The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time
by Elements of the Psyche
Summary: Chapter 5 is UP! The sinister plot finally begins unfolding, and it has something to do with...knitting? Oh, yeah, and Link causes more harm to himself.
1. The Mission Begins

Disclaimationer (A super-long disclaimer): I do not own The Legend of Zelda or any other registered trademarks of Nintendo etc. There may be some other mentions of characters or characteristics belonging to other companies. Please bear in mind that this is a non-profitable work of fiction. I will not be held responsible for copyright infringement. Member of the Quadragon, ideas of this story, the Disclaimationer and the characters' characteristics in this story are currently mine. All similarities to other characters, whether fictional or non-fictional, is purely coincidental. Do not expect me to do this again in this entire story. It is too much work. From now on, I shall spew nonsense during the disclaimer for this story. 

Prologue

Link stared at the wall in his treehouse, kicking his legs back and forth while sitting on the bed. Finally he sighed, "I'm bored."

He had come back to Hyrule after he saved Termina from the moon, and lived peacefully for quite some time (seven years, in fact). At first, he thought he would move in with Zelda and live at Hyrule Castle. Apparently, though, the castle was meant for "nobles" and "decent folk." Link's never even _heard_ of those before; those castle guys sure are crazy!

"I wish something interesting would happen." Link, finally giving up to boredom, decided to lie down and sleep...in the middle of the day. Little did he know, he should never wish something like that when one ofthe three goddesses was apparently drunk.

"So, hic, the boy, hic, wants something interesting, eh?" slurred Din while swirling her glass of wine (which...somehow got her drunk. This must have been her tenth glass). "Okie-dokie, hic, then! Boogity, Doogity, Deoxyribonucleioogity, Bop!"

With those magic words, everything changed.

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time  
(Fun fact: Mix up the letters in ocarina, and you get acaroni.)

Rain pounded against a strange castle as Link watched the scene appear. The drawbridge lowered, and out of the castle rode a horse with a man riding on a spider. Link thought this odd, and rather familiar, but didn't have much time to think, for soon, a black horse rode out as well. The hooded person on the horse stared at Link, and prepared to throw something that looked oddly like a teddy bear.

Meanwhile...

"I am alive!" cried the monster. "Wahahahaha! Who can stop me now? I...oh right, NO killing and bingingthis time. Aw, that's no fun. Well, at least I won't suffer from that slight bout of bulimia nervosa from that last binge. Whew, I didn't know I had that much fire in me!"

He surveyed his surroundings, then queried, "But besides the point,where am I?"

Around him was an array of trees, surrounding a meadow in which he was in the center of. There were several insects and odd fairies flying about.

He suddenly groaned in pain, "GROAN (And after this edit, my sound effects guy STILL can't think of...)! Ah, what is this pain inside me? It's almost as if ladders and doors had suddenly been inserted into my body, and a giant grammatically-impaired spider has taken residence within it. But that's impossible."

"Then, it would seem that you are rather confused as well?"

The lizard gave a start, and then realized what was talking to him. "Hey," he said, "you're one of the Kokiri fairies, aren't you? I've heard of you! You're anatomically the worst things I've ever seen! I mean, have you heard of a body? How do you digest your food? Do you have any sort of respiratory system? Scratch that, do you even have some kind of open circulatory system? Because a closed circulatory system would be ridicul..."

The fairy interrupted, "Sorry, but one, I have NO idea what you're talking about. Two, I am certainly _not_ a Kikiki fairy, or whatever. Have you never known my name? Have you never heard of the pure evil that is Majora? For I am the greatest being this world has ever known, and the next as well! FEAR ME!"

King Dodongo laughed, "A little insect like you couldn't possibly even faze me!" The fairy looked insulted, and began to chant something odd. It looked like it was in a meditative state. Finally, the fairy, with an ending, "HA!" sent a small breeze through the forest. All was still and silent, until the fairy broke it. "Ha HA! All fear the power of the mighty breeze!"

King Dodongo sat silently.

"HEY!" defended Majora. "I, for some reason, don't have my powers, but if I did, you would be in the stratosphere by now."

The dodongo sighed, "Whatever...Say, could you find somebody to help me with this awful pain?"

The fairy raised an eyebrow, "Why would I do that?"

King Dodongo responded, "Simply because you have nothing better to do. Tell the person that the Great Dodongo King summoned them."Majora finally agreed. It was just about to leave, when suddenly,

"Oh, and another thing!"

"What?" asked Majora, sounding irritated.

"Get somebody without a fairy."

"Would it make much of a difference?"

"Do _you_ want some creepy gender-confused brat with a fairy following him help you?" said King Dodongo.

"Good point, that," Majora admitted. "Alright, fine. I'm off!"

The fairy flew through the forest that was so foreign. Nothing seemed familiar. However, everybody already had a fairy. Finally,he came to a lone treehouse at the end of the forest.

"Well," said the mask. "I guess this is the one."He flew into the house and saw a child sleeping on the bed, with no fairy.

Back to Link...

That dream had seemed awfully familiar, Link thought as he sat in the meadow in his next dream. He suddenly saw a fairy flying up to him shouting, "HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY!" Instinctively, he covered his ears, but soon the voice became unbearable. Suddenly, everything faded into black. Link opened his eyes, and he saw something very strange. Navi was there, in front of him, shouting for him to wake up.

Navi spoke to Link, "Well, it's about time you woke up. Why would the Great Dodongo King send me to get such a lazy boy like you? You, boy, have been summoned by the Great Dodongo King. He is awaiting you."

Link was confused at Navi's strange voice. It sounded a little deeper than before. "Er...Navi? Do you need some cough drops?"

"No, I do not," said "Navi", "and my name is not Navi!"

Link confused at this, and decided to look closer. What he saw shocked him. The face of the fairy (that's invisible in the game) was heart- shaped, and had horns, spikes, and two widened eyes. (Sound like anybody you know?) Link yelled, "Navi! What were you thinking? Putting on Majora's Mask is dangerous! Where did you find it anyways?"

Majora said, frustratingly, "I AM NOT NAVI! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SAY THAT SO THAT IT WILL GET THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL? I am not a lowly fairy, but instead, THE GREAT AND POWERFUL MAJORA!" His mood suddenly changed as he began laughing maniacally.

Link just looked at him oddly, and then put on his boots. "Okay then, Majora," he said. "Let's go."

Majora said, in shock, "What? No scream? No running away? No panicking in a wild frenzy? No gasping in shock? Not even an "It's you"? How can you be so calm? I have twice attempted to destroy Termina! Or have you not heard?"

Link chuckled, "And don't you remember that I defeated you?"

"What?" Majora was at a loss. "Wait, it's you! Link! Agh, what horrible fortune it is that I am to run into you again! Curses! Ergh, why is it that I am to be punished so?"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Link remarked casually, "But do you know what's going on here? I thought I killed King Dodongo."

Majora sighed in despair, then started explaining, "I don't exactly know what happened, but I awoke out of my deep slumber to find myself in this form. I engaged quite an interesting conversation with King Dodongo, then he sent me to get you."

Link scratched his head for a moment. Then, he said, "Hey, wait...Where's my Master Sword and Hylian Shield?" He looked down, and finally realized that instead of being the 17-year-old he was supposed to be, he was 10.

Meanwhile...

The Great Dodongo King heard an earsplitting shriek. He grimaced, but resumed waiting patiently.

Back to Link...

Majora was busy cleaning his ears (does he have any?) after Link finished screaming his head off. Link was pacing around his bed. Suddenly, it clicked. Link stomped the poor click beetle, and resumed pacing around. He abruptly stopped when he realized what had happened. "Oh..." started Link, "...no. No! It can't be! I don't want to start my quest all over again!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Majora. "What do you mean by starting over a quest?"

"Of course you wouldn't understand," explained Link, "since you weren't with me during my quest through Hyrule. I had to collect three spiritual stones, while defeating evil creatures. Then, I had to travel into the future and collect six medallions, while going through several puzzles and defeating evil creatures. Finally, I had to defeat an evil king in battle." Link took a deep breath.

Majora whistled, "That's a lot of evil."

"Then," continued Link, "I departed from Hyrule in search of a friend. However, I got lost and a Skullkid wearing your mask turned me into a Deku Scrub. So, I had to go back and forth in time until I could stop the moon from crashing into Termina. I think you know the rest of the story."

Majora nodded in understanding, "I see. It must be very hard to relive a difficult adventure." Link nodded as well. They both stood there nodding for a while. Then, Majora exclaimed, "Well, that's too bad, because you're going to do it anyways! Come on! We need to get to the Great Dodongo King." Majora dragged Link out of the treehouse and pushed him down the ladder.

Link fell with a painful thud while Majora flew down after him, laughing all the way. As Link got up, he realized something, "Hey, if Majora takes the place of Navi, and King Dodongo takes the place of the Deku Tree, isn't it possible that others have been switched around as well?"

Majora thought about this, and responded, "Yeah, probably. And things will probably be a lot more messed up too."

Link looked up and saw a girl running up to him. She had red hair that separated into two with a green streak going down each one. She wore Kokirish clothing, but, unlike the Kokiri, didn't have blonde/green hair (well, partly). Everything else was exactly the same as the Kokiri: the ears, the eyes, even the stance that most Kokiri held themselves in. However, Link had never seen this girl in his life. (coughMarySuecough)So, he did the most polite thing he could think of.

"Who in Farore's name are you?"

The girl grinned, "Don't recognize me, huh? Well, I'm taking the place of Saria, I guess, after I saw everybody being switched around. So, you got your fairy? Who is it?"

Majora cleared his throat, and replied very gentlemanly, "FEAR ME! FOR I AM THE ALMIGHTY MAJOR-OW!" He was cut off mid-speech as Link knocked him down from the air. Majora glared at Link, but did nothing. Link replied, "This is Majora. He said that the Great Dodongo King had summoned me."

The girl made a confused expression. "The Great Dodongo King? By Din, things are more messed up than I thought! Well, the Dodongo King's Meadow is right over there." Link thanked her, and moved on.

As they reached the entrance to the meadow, they saw that the guardian (Mido) was none other than the Evil Spirit From Beyond himself. "Foolish mortals! Do you think you can get past I, the great Phantom Ganon?" challenged the ghost. Majora pushed Link to the ground, "Move aside! Evil must fight evil. Ahem... FEAR ME! FOR I AM THE ALMIGHTY MAJORA, KING OF MASKS, BRINGER OF EVIL, DESTROYER OF TERMINA!"

"Somebody has an ego boost," muttered Link. Meanwhile, Phantom Ganon and Majora were arguing about who was more evil. Finally, the spirit made his point. "In any case, you cannot pass without a sword and shield." Majora yelled, "Fine! Come on Link! Let's go get the gigantic Deku Shield that is in the gigantic Kokiri shop that can be bought with a gigantic amount of 40 Rupees that you can get while jumping across gigantic stones repeatedly and the not-so-gigantic Kokiri Sword which nobody seems to know where it is, but in reality it is in a secret place in the gigantic Forest Training Grounds where you have to dodge a gigantic boulder and go through several gigantic passageways until you come to a conspicuously placed gigantic chest containing the not-so-gigantic Kokiri Sword!"

And so, to save time, energy, and space, Link did all that, with the exception of the excess "gigantic's". Link and Majora arrived at the entrance to the meadow again, except equipped with the gigant- okay, I'll stop.

Phantom Ganon looked at them oddly when they arrived. "That's your sword?" scoffed Ganon. "It's puny! You can't even faze somebody with that thing. But, since you have a shield and sword, I suppose you can pass. I don't know how you managed to get to my level with nothing but a twig for a sword. Grumble...grumble!" Phantom Ganon suddenly disappeared.

"Well, let's go!" said Majora. Majora and Link went into the meadow. "Hey, wait!" exclaimed Link, suddenly stopping. "Why were you first in that last sentence? Shouldn't I have been first?"

Majora thought for a while, then replied, "I have done more than you have anyways." Link argued, "No you haven't!"

Majora smirked, "Oh yeah? Think of one thing that you have done so far in this new quest that hasn't required somebody else's help."

Link stood in deep thought. Finally, he silently ran ahead. "Hey!" shouted Majora. "You never answered my question!" Link kept running until he hit a Deku Baba. In a rage, he slashed at it until it died. Link stared at the stick left behind. Suddenly, it disappeared. Majora looked confused, "Now, how did that happen?"

Link shrugged, "How would I know?" He slashed the others, collecting the Deku sticks until he arrived in front of the Great Dodongo King. Link stared in awe at the gigant-er-humongous lizard in front of him. That's when King Dodongo realized who the kid was.

"HEY!" yelled the Dodongo King. "You're that kid that killed me!" Link replied, "Technically, you killed yourself by rolling into the lava." King Dodongo ignored Link and turned to Majora. "What did you think you were trying to pull, huh?"

Majora simply said, "This was the only boy without a fairy." Dodongo King growled, but only said, "I would try to kill you, but I'm in severe pain, and I'm getting really lazy these days, so instead, could you get inside my mouth and kill the parasite inside of me, possibly there because of a conspicuously placed curse that could only have been placed to boost plot development?"

Link thought, then said, "I'll think about it." King Dodongo sighed, "Well, then I'll just converse with you about random things. I suppose you have had nightmares the past few days."

"Yes, I have."

"That is because the areas of your psyche that involve subconscious activity, namely the id, are overreacting to a possible reflection from your prefrontal cortex. Of course, that means that you are slightly psychologically disturbed, which isn't quite the best thing to be at such a point. My advice is to get counseling...now. A good psychiatrist can be found at 242-59..."

Link and Majora just stared at him. King Dodongo sputtered, "Well, what are you waiting for? Destroy this stupid curse!" King Dodongo opened his mouth wide enough for Link to enter.

Link tugged at his tunic nervously, "Wait, I'm starting to think this is a bad idea." Majora, growing impatient, asked, "How bad can it be?" and pushed Link into the lizard.

To Be Continued...


	2. Lizards Have Weird Anatomies

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time.  
Chapter 2: Lizards Have Odd Anatomies aka The First Spiritual Stone  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned LoZ, Nintendo would be bankrupt by now.  
  
Link tumbled into the mouth of King Dodongo, and found himself in an odd circular room. This was when he realized something extremely odd.  
  
"Hey, this room is exactly the same as the Deku Tree's first room!"  
  
Indeed, Link was right, which led to many unanswerable questions of why the heck King Dodongo had plants and spider webs in his stomach, but hey, nobody's perfect!  
  
Link looked around, and, seeing all of the nice little Deku Babas, naturally wanted to kill them. Within a few seconds, all of them were dead, and Link had a couple more Deku sticks in hand.  
  
"You know," said Majora, as he flew upwards with Link, "maybe you shouldn't kill everything in sight."  
  
Link pondered over this while ascending the spiral stairs, "How about, NO!" He saw a vine, and began climbing it. Of course, as we all know, it is very stupid to climb a vine directly in the path of a Skullwalltula.  
  
Five minutes and several restored hearts later...  
  
"Okay," said Link. "This time, I am not going to climb the vines. Wait, maybe this time I can avoid the things and...NO! I must control the urge to climb the vine..."  
  
Finally, they came to a door. Do not ask me how or why King Dodongo has ladders, stairs and doors in his stomach, he just does.  
  
Majora suddenly glowed green and began explaining how to open a door, "Okay, this is a door. To open it, simply push the door until you can manage to fit into the amount of space between the door and the wall. This space is where you will enter after opening the door. Do you want me to explain again?"  
  
Link looked at him oddly. Majora shook himself out of the green mode, wobbled around for a while and questioned, "What just happened?"  
  
Link shrugged, "I don't know. Maybe if we ever find a fairy, she can explain it to us."  
  
Inside the room, they saw a small flower, in which a Deku Scrub popped out of. Link ran up to it, when it suddenly hid. "Coward," muttered Link. He stepped away from it, then armed a Deku stick. The Deku Scrub spat a nut at him. Link tried to hit it back, but ended up breaking his stick. Next, he tried his sword. After several attempts of bouncing it back, he finally decided to use his shield (Seriously, this is what I tried to do to beat it).  
  
After the nut hit the Scrub, the Scrub began to run around in circles. Link walked over to it, and viciously slashed at it with his sword. The Scrub, of course, died.  
  
"You idiot!" cried Majora. "He could have given some useful information to us!" Link replied, bored, "He doesn't; he just talks about some weird control stick or something."  
  
Majora sighed, and followed Link into the next room. In the next room, Link noticed a gigantic chest that seemed to have a heavenly light glowing about it. Link, drawn to shiny things, decided to get it. So, he jumped onto the platform in front of him, and quickly fell down. Luckily, there were vines he could climb.  
  
Link climbed the vines and kicked open the chest. The light inside was so bright that it blinded him for a while. Finally, he looked inside, and in there was a brand new Fairy Slingshot!  
  
Link picked it up, "Hey, I remember this. This was my favorite weapon until I got the boomerang!" He took a seed from the bag found with the slingshot and loaded it in. Aiming for the ladder, he shot at it, making it fall down.  
  
Majora looked at the ladder, "That doesn't make a bit of sense. Why does King Dodongo have chests, slingshots, and ladders in his stomach? I mean, for goodness sake, what did he eat?"  
  
Link shrugged again, "Eh."  
  
Majora ranted on, "And another thing: Why do you mercilessly kill enemies, but when there are no enemies around, you act normal?"  
  
Link shrugged (GASP!) yet again, "I think it's called DAED: Destroy All Enemies Disease."  
  
Majora sighed, "Oh, forget it."  
  
Link climbed the ladder and exited the room. He went back to the vines, armed the slingshot, and fired at everything that was moving.  
  
And so, Link began climbing the vines with Majora following, sporting several bruise marks. They climbed all the way to the top. Link looked at all the spiders just waiting to be shot down. So, he obviously did what anybody would do: FIRE! Unfortunately, he doesn't know the Skulltulas' weakness (which doesn't make a karizzle of sense since he should know).  
  
However, the great Majora did, but he thought since Link shot at him, he wouldn't tell him. So, Link charged towards the closest one. Unfortunately, charging at a Skulltula is very, very stupid.  
  
Five minutes and many, many deaths later.  
  
Majora looked at Link, "I'm surprised that you're not dead yet. Why is that?"  
  
Link shru-er-made a sound of not-knowing...yeah, "I don't know. In any case, as long as I'm still alive, I might as well CHARGE AT THOSE CURSED SKULLTULAS!"  
  
The Skulltula family dropped from the ceiling. They spoke in unison, "You called?" Then, as quickly as they appeared, they disappeared.  
  
Link stood in shock, then spoke, "What was that?"  
  
"We are cameos," said the family. "You cannot possibly escape from us." Then, they disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
Link said, "Well, I think we'd better get going before any more people come."  
  
And so, they climbed the vines, and they ascended the spiral, and they did NOT charge at the Skulltulas. This was because Majora finally decided to reveal the Skulltulas' weakness to Link. And so, since I am extremely, extremely lazy, and adding the fact that you should know how to beat them, and there are too many commas in this paragraph, I won't describe it.  
  
Finally, they reached a dead end. Majora slowly floated around Link. "Well," said she-I mean-he (close one there, but really, you can't tell the difference between fairies unless you look really close), "now what do we do?"  
  
Link scratched his head in confusion, "That's strange. I seemed to have forgotten."  
  
Majora looked from Link to the web down on the first floor. "I think you have to jump down and pierce the web."  
  
Link shouted, "What!? I'm not jumping down there; that's suicide!"  
  
Majora smirked, "Then, how about we play a game? I ask you a question about yourself, and if you answer right, you can fire at me all you wish, and I won't do anything. If you get it wrong, you will have to jump...into the pit (eyes glow red, close-up on face, background grows dark, voice grows deep) of DOOM!"  
  
Link thought for a while, then agreed.  
  
Majora started, "Alright, your question is: Who is your mother's father's second brother's first nephew's first cousin's sister's brother-in- law's daughter's mother's brother-in-law's son...once removed?"  
  
A stress mark appeared on Link's forehead. "How am I supposed to know that!?"  
  
Majora replied simply, "The answer was you. Into the pit (eyes glow red, close-up on face, background grows dark, voice grows deep) of DOOM (normal) you go!"  
  
And so, Majora pushed him down, and Link fell and fell until he hit the web, which unfortunately, he didn't hit with hard enough force, so instead, he came back up like a trampoline!  
  
Majora sweatdropped as Link continuously switched from screams of fright to screams of delight (for fear of heights!). Finally, he decided to give Link an extra push downwards, and Link, obviously, broke through. He fell and fell until he hit the water, killing a poor little Gold Skulltula on the way. Majora flew after him.  
  
Link looked around until he found a shiny little switch. So, he did what any curious child would do: pull it.  
  
After a while of pulling, Link gave up. "It's just too hard!" Majora sweatdropped again, and pushed down on the switch, causing fire to erupt from a torch near them, which, unfortunately, was where Link was sitting.  
  
Many screams of pain later...  
  
Link had finally gotten a Deku Stick lighted on fire, and went over to the spider web and burned it down. He entered the door behind it, and immediately noticed the Deku Scrub. Of course, knowing Link, that immediately means one thing: KILL!  
  
And so, Link never had a chance to listen to the semi-important advice that that scrub had before he advanced to the next room: with SPIKES. After advancing through many rooms, since I'm REALLY lazy, and this is starting to get a little boring, he found himself at another spider web.  
  
Link pondered, "I don't suppose I'll have to jump for this one. Maybe I could burn it down." So, he carefully set his finger on fire and put it on the web.  
  
Majora gaped, "Doesn't that hurt a bit!?"  
  
Link asked, "Doesn't what hurt?"  
  
That's when he noticed his finger on fire. Anxious to get it off, he immediately jumped into the water.  
  
Majora screamed, "ARGH! You fool! Now we have to go through all of that over again!"  
  
And so, they did. However, this time, Link jumped into the water below the web (WILLINGLY! WOW!)  
  
They met the Deku Scrub Brothers. Or, who's now known as: THE KNOW-IT- ALL BROTHERS! WAHAHAHAHA!!! (You didn't really think I forgot about the switches, did you?) Of course, since these still registered as enemies, there was only one thought in mind: KILL!  
  
And, of course, the three brothers, terrified at Link about to kill them, and somehow not being able to speak in horror, jumped into the water, and swam away. (That doesn't make a karizzle of sense either, but, hey, it works!)  
  
Link restored his health, and walked into the dramatic final room...in which nothing happened. Link looked around, "Isn't some big boss supposed to come or something?"  
  
Then, suddenly, as Link unwarily looked up into a strange red eye...  
  
PARASITIC VALLEY GIRL ARACHNID: QUEEN GOHMA  
  
Link looked curiously at the words that came out of nowhere, which soon disappeared. Anyway, the red eye hanging from the ceiling was really part of a giant spider that dropped from the ceiling, right in front of Link.  
  
The spider roared, and then looked straight at Link, and spoke words of immeasurable magnitudes of horror...  
  
"Like, you're in my, like, private chambers, so, like, I'm gonna have to, like, kill you now!"  
  
Silence...then, "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" from both Majora and Link.  
  
Gohma reared back, and brought down her front legs. Link rolled out of the way, and armed his slingshot. He fired several shots, but they all missed. He looked to Majora for guidance.  
  
"Don't worry; I'll be right there to help you!" shouted Majora from seventeen feet away.  
  
Link sweatdropped, "Can't you get a little closer to help?"  
  
Majora shouted back, "I wish I could, but...er...hey, what happened to DAED?"  
  
Link's eyes brightened, "Hey, yeah!" So, he armed his sword and charged at the grammatically-impaired spider.  
  
Soon enough, Link found himself running away yet again, while trying to find suitable earplugs.  
  
Gohma screeched, "Like, that wasn't nice. You're going to so totally die!" Link, armed his slingshot again and fired at Majora, who was just (for some unexplainable reason) drifting along Gohma's eye. However, the bullet missed Majora and hit Gohma. Wow, how coincidental!  
  
Gohma screamed in pain and (Hmm...Should I torture you more with more exaggerated valley girl talk? Yes.) shouted, "Ow! My eye is, like, totally busted!"  
  
Link stared at her for a while until he noticed he should do something, so he slashed Gohma a couple of times.  
  
Gohma scurried away and climbed a wall. Link looked at Majora, "Now what do I do?"  
  
Majora floated by in front of Link, "Why don't you look her in the eye. I'm sure she'll die from the horror of your face."  
  
Link, silent, simply took out his slingshot and shot again. Majora dodged the bullet and Gohma, who was waiting patiently like the polite gigantic spider beast she was, was hit by it.  
  
And so she fell and fell until she fell onto Link's impaled sword, and the evil Gohma was no more. The only problem was that Link was holding onto the sword, meaning Gohma landed on him, which caused him, of course, severe pain. The severe pain causing him to drop his sword, which was just the time when Gohma burst into flame, and Link, being the accident-prone person that he was, caught fire...again.  
  
After Majora stomped on Link a couple of times, Link finally was no longer on fire. He looked at the heart floating by where Gohma used to be. He walked over to it and, curious, poked it a few times.  
  
Majora floated over, "I think that you are supposed to take it."  
  
Link shrugged, "Okay." And so, he opened the container and ate the heart inside.  
  
Majora sweatdropped, "That's not what I...never mind."  
  
And so, Link and Majora exited the first dungeon via Blue Light, and found themselves in front of a giant lizard reading a newspaper, while muttering. Traces could be heard, "War again...stupid Commies...Ooh! Avocado salad!"  
  
Majora cleared his throat. King Dodongo looked up, "OH!" and threw the newspaper down, "You're back! Well, I'm afraid that you were too late. That stomachache proved too much for even me to handle."  
  
Link sweatdropped, "Er...that was a giant parasitic grammatically- impaired arachnid, not a stomachache."  
  
"Well, excuuuuuuuse me, Mr. I-am-smart-and-you-are-not! Anyways, I shall die very soon now. However, before I die, I must tell you a story; it is a story about an ancient artifact called the Ryeforce."  
  
Link cut in, "You mean the Triforce?"  
  
"No, I mean the Ryeforce. Now listen closely to my words."  
  
A long time ago...in a galaxy far, far away...  
  
STAR WA-  
  
"Wait a minute, I know this isn't the legend of the Ryeforce," said Link.  
  
"Oh, right," said King Dodongo. "Here's the real story."  
  
A long time ago, this very earth was nothing but dirt. Then, three golden goddesses came upon here, and transformed it into a modern-day industrialized world. First came Tin, who turned this earth into steel and cultivated it so that it became indestructible titanium. Then, came Payroll, who gave money and wisdom (to use the money, of course) and greed. Finally was Ferrari, who spread cars everywhere to benefit from Payroll's work. Then, the three, tired of all of their work, decided to bake some bread. This bread would soon be known as the Ryeforce! However, people's greed split the Ryeforce into three pieces of bread. One had nuts, one had fruit, and one had only wheat. If ever the three pieces are united, then the uniter will get one wish.  
  
"But that doesn't make any sense," complained Link. "There are no such things as K'ars, and what's all of this Tai Tay Nee Em stuff?"  
  
The story of how this world was transformed so greatly is another story in itself. You see, there was one car named Bill, and another named Joe. So Bill says to Joe, he says, "You know, back in mah day, things weren't so hah-tech and stuff. Ah reckon we change it back to how it was." And then, Joe said back to Bill, "Yes, zat is very true, however...  
  
"Is this getting anywhere?" asked Link.  
  
"Well, not really, so I'll just hurry things up. Here's the Treasure of the Forest, the Kokiri's Wheat. Don't ask why it's green or golden or anything, it just is. And now, I'm afraid I must die."  
  
Link and Majora watched sadly as King Dodongo slowly turned to-wait a minute-nothing's happening!  
  
Dodongo sounded like he was struggling, "Wait...a...minute...I'm...almost...dead...Just...go...to...Hyrule...Castle!  
  
And so, Link and Majora were teleported to the exit of the Deku Tree's Meadow, and who else but Phantom Ganon was there to meet them.  
  
Awkward Silence...  
  
Finally, Link yelled, "Aren't you going to say anything!?"  
  
Phantom Ganon shrugged, "Not really. Until King Dodongo's dead, I don't have anything to say. In the meantime, I suggest you go to the bridge. Saria-I mean-er-dang!" Phantom Ganon sighed, "I forgot her name. It started with an M, or an N, or something like that."  
  
And so, Link ran over to the exit of the Kokiri Forest, with Majora not too far behind.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
A/N: Phew! 8 pages! That's got to be a new record for me. Of course, to others it's almost nothing, but...  
  
In anycase, I apologize for the extreme lateness of this chapter. Go ahead, do whatever you want to me. I will accept it wholeheartedly.  
  
Some of you may have a few questions on what exactly is going on here. Rest assured, you do not need to know anything. The third chapter will explain everything (and will not likely be out for a looooong while).  
  
Just remember, guys. When I say next weekend, I mean next month.  
  
Elements of the Psyche signing out. 


	3. The Giant Floating Hand

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time

Chapter 3 (Hurrah!): The LONG Chapter of Hyruliness!

Disclaimer: At long last, the Triforce is mine! Now I can finally wish for LoZ to be MINE! Gee, that Double Whopper is looking pretty big though.

Eot: That's right, it's me! I'm doing the introduction, meaning I'm taking DICTATORSHIP! That's right, I'm a dictator now! That's right, my pattern of speech is getting really annoying! Fine, I'll stop.

Eot: In any case, I deeply and humbly apologize for the lateness of this chapter. That's right, I typed this one, not Chrysa. Apologies will be continued later at the end when I have more time.

Eot: This chapter's long because it explains EVERYTHING! That's—er, wait—You heard me right, this is the glorious chapter of explaininess! So enjoy!

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"Whaddya mean I can't get through!" Link yelled, frustrated at the Kokiri Forest exit guard.

"I'm sorry, but no Kokiri may leave this forest," said the guard smoothly. "Or else, you die…" The last word was said with considerable menace.

Link drew his sword and pointed it at the guard, "Listen, bub. You let me through, or somebody's going to die, alright."

"Eep!" The guard squeaked. "Fine! Go ahead and die if you want!" The guard stepped outside…wait…uh-oh.

A horrific scream was heard from outside.

"You think the author meant '_a_side'?" questioned Majora.

Link shrugged, "Probably, but I don't think Eot corrects anything in the story once it's written."

And so, Link exited the Kokiri Forest with Majora not far behind, and came across the bridge over the Lost Woods. Link ran across the bridge until he was stopped by a voice, "Wait!"

Link turned around and saw the same girl from the forest on the bridge.

The girl walked over to Link, "I knew that you would leave. Then again, it really wasn't that hard to figure out, as everything's just repeating again."

"Well, you know, I don't really know you."

"It doesn't matter," she replied. "You have yet to finish the journey you idiotically began again."

"Wait, what?" asked Link, confused.

"I want you to have this. No doubt it will be useful on your journey, as I know from firsthand experience."

She handed an object to Link. It was gray, and slightly reddish. It was shaped something like…an Ocarina!

"This is the Fairy Ocarina," said the girl, pressing the object into Link's hands. "I'm not supposed to give this to you, but I want you to keep it." She turned away.

"Hold on!" Link shouted after her. "I still don't know who you are!"

The girl turned with irritation on her face, "It doesn't really matter for now. However, you could guess if you'd like. It shouldn't be too hard."

Link thought, "Um…Malon?"

"No, try again."

Link thought again, "Hmmm… Random villager girl I met somewhere, but never paid attention to?"

The girl's coolness in her voice was slipping, "No, Link, try harder. Think!"

Link prodded, "You sure you're not Malon?"

The girl's voice was slipping towards frustration, "Yes, I am sure, Link."

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Are you not sure you aren't not Malon?"

Her voice was quivering with rage by now, "WHAT? Ugh, you idiot! Just think about your friends, and one of your first, your most trustworthy!"

"Er…"

"Oh, forget it. This really doesn't say much about our friendship." Almost instantly, the girl's voice switched back to its cool, serene tone. "We will meet again, and then is when you will know."

As the mysterious girl finally walked away, she half turned her head back, "And Majora, try to keep those instincts under control." With that, she disappeared into the dark stump.

Link scratched his head, "Well, that's certainly one interesting person. She's kinda cute, though. And she seems familiar, but from where?"

Majora cut in, "Sorry to interrupt your little schizophrenic monologue there, but we have to get going. Remember, Hyrule Castle? Hostile takeover? Moon? Kaboom?"

Link abruptly turned to him, "Wait, what?"

Majora said quickly, "Nothing!"

Link shrugged and walked away.

Majora wiped (wait, what?) his sweat away and let out a sigh of relief. He took out his blueprints from his Almighty Mystic Space of Items and Such (AMSIS). He looked it over with avarice in his eyes. "Soon, my dearest plan, soon, and Hyrule will be ours!" Majora cackled as he flew out after Link.

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Ironically, through a miscommunication in time and space (otherwise known as the Dronam Syndrome) Link and Majora arrived outside at the same time.

----------------------------------------

The first thing Link saw was the sun's mighty rays shining on the path of Hyrule Field…in the middle of the night.

Link checked his watch, and indeed the time read "0:00" despite the sun majestically shining itself on the field, like an old man trying to prove something, but not exactly knowing what it is he wants to prove.

Despite all this, and the author's redundant use of words, Link and Majora marched onwards…about four or five steps before they met someone VERY familiar sitting on the branch.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't 'Mask-for-a-Fairy Boy'."

Link looked up and retorted, "That's the worst insult I've ever heard of."

Mido glanced down, "Well, when you're stuck up on a tree, you can't really think of anything good!"

Link shouted back up, "What are you doing up there, anyway?"

Mido yelled back down, "You expect me to know? One moment I'm happily torching your tree down, the next I'm stuck up _on_ a tree."

Link paused, "Wait, torching my tree down?"

Mido answered slowly, "Um…no?"

Link stared skeptically at him, then shrugged, "Okay."

Mido continued, "Anyways, it seems that you have been sent on a mission to Hyrule Castle, have you?"

"How do you know?"

Mido looked confused, "Uh, you know, I don't know." He continued, "Anyways, (darn that author's redundancy of words) it would seem that time passes normally here, no?"

"Uh, what do you mean?"

"Haven't you found it odd that time never passes in Kokiri Forest?"

"Time passes perfectly normally in the forest," Link said. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Mido sighed, "Oh, whatever. Anyways, if you get lost while going to Hyrule Castle, just look at the map."

"What map?"

"Press the START button to access the menu."

"What?"

"Use the R and L buttons to toggle between the different subscreens."

Link had a stress mark on his head, "You're not making any sense."

"Toggle to the Map Subscreen, and you'll—ARGH!"

Link walked calmly away while Mido clutched his eye in agony from the Deku Seed shot at him.

"Curse you! I'll get you for—AAGH!"

Link spared a backward glance as Mido fell to the ground.

Link continued on the path until he finally reached the top of the hill. He looked over, and there indeed was Hyrule Castle.

Majora flew over, "So that's Hyrule Castle. It looks rather welled fortified. Not for long though…BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Link turned to him again, "You know, Majora, you really ought to…er…are you okay?"

Majora was suddenly frozen in midair, twitching perpetually. Link cautiously poked him. Majora glowed a bright green, causing Link to yelp and jump back.

"HEY! Link, shouldn't we get going to Hyrule Castle?"

"Majora? You there?"

"Shouldn't we get going to Hyrule Castle?"

"I think we need to get this checked."

"Shouldn't we—GAH!"

Majora's green aura disappeared and he shook himself. "What happened?" he asked dazedly.

"You," Link replied, pausing before walking on, "don't want to know."

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At long last, Link and Majora made their way to Hyrule Castle Town. This, of course, was after Link got in a whole lot of trouble for smashing random pots, and then going after a cucco with his sword like a madman. I mean, we _all_ did that, right? RIGHT?

After a while of navigating through the strange inhabitants of this place, he found the path to Hyrule Castle, because the author wants this section to be over with as soon as possible, before the inevitable part involving the dog lady comes in.

Majora finally caught up with Link after Link threw him into somebody's eye for a distraction, and looked at the path with Link.

"So, that's Hyrule Castle."

"Sure is."

"The beginning of our epic quest."

"Yep."

"Where we will meet the princess."

"Indubitably"

"And where I shall begin my conquest of all of Hyrule!"

"Exactly…wait, what?"

"Nuttin', nuttin'"

Link turned around to question further, but it was then that he saw yet another familiar face. The girl wore a headdress on…well, her head. She also wore a simple dress with the emblem of Hyrule emblazoned onto the bottom. In other words, she took about two hours getting the right things to wear and STILL managed to mess up.

"ZELDA?" exclaimed Link. "What are you doing here? And, wait, aren't _you_ the princess?"

The young Zelda sighed, "Well, I _was_. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but apparently, I've reverted to my young self. So have you, I see."

Link scratched his head, "But then who am I supposed to meet in the castle?"

Zelda shrugged, "I don't know. I think I'm just supposed to be here completely randomly singing."

With that, Zelda began softly humming. Link walked away with Majora trailing behind.

"She seems like a nice person. Who was that?" asked Majora.

Link replied nonchalantly, "Princess of Hyrule."

Majora did a double take, "WHAT? You mean I could have easily kidnapped her and started my plan for world conquest, but didn't because you never told me who she was?"

Link raised an eyebrow, "World conquest?"

Majora sweated, "I mean, uh, Hurling Tempest, yeah…Everyone loves that band, yep!"

Link continued along the path, "I'm just going to pretend you never spoke. That might be a bad idea, but oh well."

"HEY! Mask-for-a-Fairy Boy!"

Link groaned, "I thought we were rid of you!"

Mido was sitting on yet another tree, but with many bruises and a black eye, "Not quite yet! So, it appears that you have found the castle."

"Er, yeah, it's not that difficult to find a huge, looming…"

"Shut up! This is my speech. Ahem, you'll notice that time passes normally here, unlike in cities and towns."

"Didn't you say that already?"

Mido paused, "I think I did. Well, um, I don't really have anything else to say."

Link shrugged, "Alright, then. Bye."

Mido shouted frantically, "Wait! I can't get out of this stupid tree!"

Link shouted back, "You're a Kokiri! Why not?"

Mido paused again, "I never climbed trees by myself! I'd get other people to do it for me!"

Link sighed and walked away. Majora, however, lingered behind.

"So, you say that you want to get down. Well, I'll help you."

Mido got a hopeful look, "Really?"

Majora smirked, "For a fee, of course. I want the entire Kokiri Forest entitled to me."

"But I don't have that kind of power!"

"Well, then," said Majora, floating away, "It was nice meeting you."

"Hey, wait!" Mido shouted after him. "Come on, help a fellow out here! Please? Those birds are looking at me weird! Hey, wait! Those aren't birds! They look like zombieAAAAHHHHHH"

Link winced as Mido's scream sent several Redeads flying out of the tree. He watched for a while longer as the Redeads continued to start doing that…attack…of theirs on Mido.

After some walking, Link finally reached the castle moat. Link paused, "Whoa, whoa! I got to the moat already?"

Yes, Link, yes you did.

"That can't be right! There was supposed to be a big "escape the guards scenario"! I was supposed to be sneaky and thief-like for once! Not to mention I was supposed to meet Zelda again!"

Well, there were a few minor technicalities…

"Whaddya mean, minor technicalities?"

I mean that the guards are nowhere to be found.

Majora floated up to Link and noticed the awkward situation. Link stood in a contemplative stance while a giant hand floated in midair. Suddenly, the hand shouted, "Wait a minute! You're not supposed to be able to see me!"

And with that, he disappeared.

"Sooooo," Majora nonchalantly flew up to Link's face. "Anything…new? Anybody kidnapped, gone, disappeared?"

"Actually, now that you mention it, Zelda and the other guards have suddenly disappeared," Link replied, still pondering.

"Oh, is that so?" Majora asked in mock shock.

"Well, that's too bad. FOR YOU HAVE SEVENTY-TWO HOURS TO EITHER GIVE HYRULE TO ME, OR WATCH HER DIE!" boomed Majora, eyes glowing red. A hand tapped him on his…head.

Majora turned around to meet the princess herself, accompanied by several guards, all of them dripping wet.

"Next time you 'kidnap' someone," growled Zelda. "DON'T just dump them in the moat!

"You shouldn't even BE here!" she ranted on. "We can't have trespassers in Hyrule Castle! Guards?"

One guard stepped forward. "No, no we cannot. Men…seize her!" he commanded, pointing at the princess.

"Wait, what?" exclaimed Zelda incredulously. "What are you doing? I'm the princess of Hyrule!"

"Yeah, suuuure you are," one of the guards rolled his eyes, "And a kangaroo is my monkey's uncle!"

The other guards stared at him. "What?" he asked.

The lead guard cleared his throat, "Ahem. Anyways, you cannot disrupt the princess right now, for she is having her afternoon nap."

Zelda gaped, "But it's morning!"

That one guard rolled his eyes again, "Yeah, suuuure it is! And I've got a heavily loaded dental floss machine gun!"

The others stared at him again. "I'll shut up now," affirmed the guard.

"You do that," The lead guard shifted his attention back to Zelda. "So, we will have to put you under arrest."

"Under arrest?" Zelda started having a fit. "You can't do that! My father could fire all of you, every single one!"

The guard piped up again, "Yeah, suuuure he will. And that Redead over there will kill us alllll-AAAIIEEEEEE!"

We shall leave this grotesque scene now. Know simply that Zelda, Link, and Majora escaped safely, and the three of them were off to find Talon, or whoever in Din's name took his place.

And who did they see lying there snoring but Mario.

The plumber was talking in his sleep, "Oh, for goodness sake-a. Go-a rescue yourself-a for once."

Link turned to Zelda, "So, what's our plan for waking him up?"

Majora quickly made his opinion known, "I think we should throw him into the moat, and let the alligators have him!"

Zelda glared at him, "OR, we can simply shake him awake."

Link considered it for a while. Then, finally, he had decided, "I like Majora's plan better. In you go!" And with that, Mario went sailing into the moat…still sleeping.

Zelda threw her arms up in frustration, "Oh, whatever! You two continue. _I_ am going to help that poor, innocent man!" She stalked off.

Link turned to Majora to talk to him instead, but found that he was nowhere in sight. After looking for a few minutes, he shrugged and crawled into the hole.

Upon entering, the first thing Link noticed was the decorations of the inside. It was quite nice, having just the right blend of colors. The botany selection was almost flawless.

The next things he noticed were the many guards pacing back and forth around the interior.

_Hmm_, thought Link. _It looks like I'll get to be sneaky and very thief-like after all._

(Mission Impossible™ theme starts playing in the background)

Link snuck around quietly, making sure not to attract the guards' attention. Then, when their backs were turned…

"SURPRISE ATTACK!" screamed Link, sword in hands, body soaring through the air.

(Music fizzes out)

After two or three of them were beat up, they started running away.

"So now we run away like sissies, huh? Just because he has a stick," commented one guard.

"A stick? That's a sword you idiot!" shouted another.

The first guard rolled his eyes, "Yeah, suuuure it is. And my Listerine™…"

"Shut UP!"

Stepping into the castle courtyard, Link looked around in absolute awe. He had never seen a garden so…amazingly…

…empty! Link saw absolutely no plants at all in the courtyard. He later found the cause: a hulking figure in a window tossing bombs out while maniacally laughing. Link walked closer, and saw the figure to be none other than the Goron King Darunia!

Link dodged the many bombs, and walked up to the window.

Darunia took awhile to notice him, but upon doing so, quickly yelped, "Yak! Er, uh, YOU DIDN'T SEE ME HERE!"

Darunia jumped through the window, landed on Link (who protested with an "AHH!"), and rolled out the entrance to the courtyard.

Link could hear a vaguely familiar male voice shout, "Hey, watch it!"

As the hulking figure of the Goron disappeared out of the courtyard, another shadow entered. The person wore a blue outfit that clung to his body, with a gray cloth covering his face. He was about the same age as Link, albeit slightly shorter.

"I don't know what the guards think they're guarding," the person walked up to Link, "but this certainly counts as shirking their duties. Where's the Princess?"

Link shrugged, "Last time I saw her, she was storming off to help some Italian guy."

----------------------------------------

Zelda covered her face with one hand while Mario dozed peacefully under the moat, "This is a sad, pathetic sight."

----------------------------------------

The boy sighed, "Well, I suppose I'll have to take her place. Now then, Link…" He pulled out a harp and struck a chord.

Link gaped, "Wait, you're Sheik, aren't you?"

Sheik sweatdropped, "It takes a harp for you to recognize me? Ugh…well, that doesn't say much of our friendship, does it?"

Link stammered, "But you're…wait, but…huh?"

Sheik sat down on a random chair, "I can only assume what you're about to ask. Know this, I am _different_ from Zelda this time around. How, you may ask? A song, combined with Zelda's slipping into multiple personality insanity."

"Er," began Link, but Sheik interrupted before he could continue.

"Let's get to the important matter, shall we?" Sheik asked, turning to the conveniently placed window right behind him. "You may be wondering why you were brought back, why you were asked to repeat your quest."

Link nodded.

"Know that every action that is asked of you by the goddesses must be for the greater good. Know that the goddesses know best and are wisest of us all…"

Link nodded.

"…unless, of course, one of them got drunk, but what are the odds of that happening?"

----------------------------------------

Nayru screamed at her companion, "You see? YOU SEE? We leave her alone for one measly HOUR and she manages to mess up the space-time continuum! I can't believe she had the AUDACITY to disregard all common logic and do such a thing!"

Farore quipped, "You know, technically, _I'm_ the goddess of audacity."

Nayru glared.

Farore grinned.

Din groaned from her hangover.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile…

Link raised a hand, "Wait, then how come I don't remember anything about the quest I had previously taken, except for the people who I met during the quest?"

Sheik pondered a bit, "Actually, that's a good question. I don't know."

----------------------------------------

The turquoise colored dragon who called himself Dronam continued to type, somehow, without the aid of fingers.

"And now," he giggled maniacally, "the radioactive cheese makes its debut."

----------------------------------------

Sheik struck another chord and spoke again, "I suppose I might as well explain something to pass the time. What do you want to know about?"

"How about what in Din's name I'm supposed to be doing?"

Sheik hesitated before answering, "Well, I can only tell you so much. You must gather the three ingredients of the Ryeforce, bring them to the Temple of Time, and awaken the Ryeforce so that we get a wish, I suppose. Zelda's plan never did make much sense to me.

"Oh, yes. And you must make sure that the evil wizard Ganondorf does not get a hold of any of the ingredients. I have the final key, the Macaroni of Time, just in case. However, if Ganondorf gets his hands on any one of them, your quest will be much harder.

"This new quest seems to be exceptionally similar to the old one, but there are always new challenges that you must face. Know that…Link, wake up."

Link snorted before opening his eyes blearily, "Huh…wha?"

Sheik groaned, "Never mind, Link. You heard the first part, right? You can take a look at Ganondorf through that window right now."

Link crept over to the window and looked inside. Indeed, there was Ganondorf in all his evil glory, prancing around the room evilly, singing out evilly, stroking birds and butterflies evilly. Yes, he was the pure epitome of evil.

Both Link and Sheik stared at the giant floating hand.

"What? Do I have something on my thumb? Hey, wait! You're not supposed to be able to see me!"

With that, he disappeared…again.

"Riiiight," Link said, turning to Sheik. "You know, he doesn't really seem that evil to me this time around."

Sheik chuckled nervously, "Heh, yeah, uh…well, you have to stop him anyways, because who knows what iniquitous thoughts lay in his mind?"

Link gave him a flat stare, "Perhaps what mouthwash he should use in the morning?"

"Right, well, let's just stop this train of thought right here, okay? Now, the next ingredient is found on mountain over Kakariko village."

Link shrugged, "Okay, that doesn't seem that bad."

"Aptly named, DEATH Mountain."

Link gulped.

Sheik continued, "My…assistant will help you out of the castle so that you don't get into any trouble. You may know her. She's behind you right now."

Link turned around and screamed.

(I could end it here, you know, but I'm in a gale right now.)

"You're not supposed to be alive!"

Looming above him was a giant, armored spider with one huge eye. She screeched ferociously before clearing her throat and continuing in a voice very similar to a deep-voiced woman.

"Excuse me?"

Link continued raving, "You're not supposed to be alive! I killed you! I KILLED YOU! I saw your body go up in flames. I felt the flames in their burning glory! I heard your voice scream your last grammatically incorrect words! I killed you!"

Gohma sighed, "No, I think you had me confused with my twin sister."

Link sputtered, "Since when did you have a twin sister?"

"Since the escape."

Link raised an eyebrow, "The escape?"

"Yes," said Gohma, starting yet another long explanation. "You see, it happened a while ago…"

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Volvagia sighed out a small burst of smoke, "We really need something to do."

Gohma looked around at her companions: a flaming dragon, a giant lizard, a disembodied eye with two hands accompanied by drums, a semi-frightening phantom, a glowing anemone, and Morpha. As for the witches Twinrova, they had been sent somewhere else.

It was then that Phantom Ganon made an interesting revelation, "Does anybody know why we're evil?"

Gohma spoke up, "I'm a parasite. I need a host body to live. I'm not evil, I'm just trying to survive. How was I supposed to know that my host body was the Kokiri's leader?"

King Dodongo followed, "I'm not evil either. The Gorons had long ago driven us out of our lands, those that we claimed before they, so we were simply reclaiming what was ours."

Barinade wrote out its message with electricity on itself, "Same as Gohma. I'm a parasite. I didn't know that I resided in a sacred deity."

Volvagia continued, "I need to eat, you know. Is it my fault that Ganondorf depleted all of my food so that I was forced to eat the Gorons?"

Morpha amazingly managed to sound out words using squishes, "I didn't even _do_ anything before I was killed! Ganondorf did everything!"

Bongo-Bongo even more amazingly managed to sound out words using drumbeats, "I like playing my drums. It's technically my drums that cause the evil, so I'm not the evil one here."

Everybody was now staring at Phantom Ganon.

"Well, I'm not evil either! I just," Phantom Ganon paused, "just…Alright, how about we break out of here and live a new life!"

"Problem," Volvagia stated. "How?"

"Uh," Phantom Ganon stammered. "Well, uh, I don't know."

----------------------------------------

Gohma wrapped up her story, "And so, we spent the next few months trying to figure out how to get out, when I was just suddenly thrown back into the world of the living."

"Okay, but what about your 'twin'?" asked Link suspiciously.

"One of the goddesses probably got drunk."

"Ah."

"Now," Queen Gohma walked over from the exit. "Before we leave, I must teach you something that will prove your connection to the Royal Family. It is called Zelda's Lullaby. Do you have anything to play music with?"

"Oh, I have this ocarina that that strange girl gave me."

"What?" Sheik dashed over to him. "Give me that! Agh, she was supposed to give you this!"

With that, Sheik handed Link a small, curved tube most likely made out of a grain substance.

"The Fairy MACARONI."

Link opened his mouth, and closed it again. He opened it again and words came tumbling out, "What in the world am I supposed to do with that?"

"Blow into it," Sheik replied.

Link, feeling ridiculous, did so, and was not surprised in any way when nothing happened.

Sheik examined the object, "Huh, well, then I guess there really _isn't_ much use to it."

Link put a hand to his head. "Whatever, I'll just whistle it. Okay, what are the notes?"

Gohma cleared her throat, "Ahem. In a C-major scale, the notes are as follows: E G C, E G C. The chords accompanying each note are as follows: Cmajor, Gmajor, in other words, the tonic followed by the dominant. However, it is not to be confused by the dominant 7th of G B D F, which…"

Link groaned, "Just hum it."

Gohma glared, "Fine."

Sheik plugged his ears before Gohma started humming. Link understood why.

By the time she was done, Link was on the ground twitching and Sheik was wincing.

"My voice isn't that bad."

Link squeaked, "That's 'cause you can't hear it."

"Whatever. Do you know the tune now? Whistle it back to me."

Link, with some effort, stood up and started whistling. Sheik nodded, "Well, then you're all set to go. You know what to do, right? Gohma, would you lead him outside?"

A while later,

"Don't you usually have that fairy with you?" asked Gohma. The two of them were now standing outside Hyrule Market facing Kakariko village.

Link walked onwards to the village, shouting back, "Well, I have no clue where Navi is, and my new fairy disappeared as well, so I guess I'llcheck up on Kokiri Forest to find him."

And so, Link continued his quest to unite the three ingredients of the Ryeforce, although he did not know why, or how, or when, or where, or even which, really. It was then that he made a startling revelation.

"Hey! There was no part with any dog lady!"

Suddenly, flocks of people swarmed around Link. "My dooooooooogs are soooooo greeeeaaaaat, don't you thiiiiiiiiink?"

"He tried sneaking into Hyrule Castle, the idiot!"

"My beard is so long."

"Sell me something with C. Sell me something with C."

"Wait, Link! I forgot to give you something very important! If you don't have Zelda's signed letter, you'll never…"

"It's rather odd how there are so many dogs at night."

Link screamed, "Get away from me!"

With that, he sprinted off towards an arbitrary direction, which was ironically towards Lon-Lon Ranch, not Kakariko OR Kokiri Forest.

----------------------------------------

Meanwhile…

Majora giggled maniacally as he set a burning piece of wood onto the grass of Kokiri Forest. He watched as the fire started spreading. Oh, yes. It would be soon. Soon the day would come when all bowed to him! And nobody would be able to stop him! Not even the smelliest of cheeses, not even the fightin'est of 'em!

Majora stared at the giant hand.

"What? Why do you all keep staring at me?"

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End of Chapter 3

Chrysa: Whoa, I'm really sorry about the lateness of this chapter, but I've been working on a couple of other things, so I asked Eot to write this one. I edited it a bit (He's used to writing in script format.) so that it looked more like my style of writing.

Eot: Hey, it's not my fault that the chapter is late. You asked me, completely randomly, to write this chapter. And it just happened to be the longest so far!

Chrysa: Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. Anyhow, the next chapter is going to be a combination of Kokiri Forest, Lon-Lon Ranch, and…well, that's it.

Chrysa: Hope you're enjoying the story thus far, by the way.


	4. Ranches, Forests, and Songs, Oh My!

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time

Chapter 4: Ranches, Forests, and Songs, Oh My!

Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ, but I'm trying to get a patent on the flu!

Ragnod: A little note here before we continue. Eot and Chrysa are having more and more troubles with QuickEdit, as it now doesn't accept hyphens. They will be working to remedy that…somehow.

Eot: Yeah, I'm painstakingly typing in the hyphens in the QuickEdit mode. Help, anybody?

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It was a beautiful sunny day in the Kokiri Forest. The birds were chirping, the children were frolicking, and the mask fairy was cackling maniacally while pouring gasoline over the forest all the while.

'Heh heh," snickered Majora. "These Kokiri are so helpless without their "fearless" leader Link."

A Kokiri boy interrupted, "Uh, actually, if Link was our leader, that would be kind of sad. We all make fun of him, steal his stuff, and beat him up at least twice a week."

"Yeah, even _I_ have to admit beating him up is fun," added a Kokiri girl.

Majora turned to them, "Wait, how could you beat him up if he was originally seventeen and just turned ten again a while ago?"

"Um…"

---------------------------------------

Meanwhile, in the world containing the delicate fabric of space-time…

A large, rather unpleasant, "RRIIIIIIIIIIPPPP" could be heard.

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The two Kokiri now had blank looks. Majora flitted around in front of their faces, "Hey! Hello? Wake up! Hmm…"

Majora flew away snickering evilly from the two gasoline-drenched Kokiri.

"This will be my greatest plan yet! I will destroy one fourth of the population of Hyrule," he announced to nobody. "And then, they will fear me, and herald me as their leader! Once I destroy Kokiri Forest, I will have finally conquered an entire kingdom!"

After Majora finished those last dramatic words, there was much sound from the birds and wind. Frustrated that nobody came to listen to his speech, he decided to just blow the whole place up.

…if only his magic wasn't so depleted.

"Agh!" screamed Majora in irritation. "Why have they invented gasoline already, but not matches? And WHY did my burning piece of wood HAVE to actually be a Kokiri child who jumped into the pond soon after I let him go?"

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Coincidentally, a burning piece of wood was exactly what Link needed to keep the crazy Hyrule Market crowd away. Trying desperately to keep them away with his slingshot, he ran as fast as his strangely dressed little legs could carry him.

In the middle of Hyrule Field, he looked around for places to escape.

"Let's see," Link said to himself, "I can go up the stairs and advance the plot by going to Kakariko Village. No, that's stupid. I can jump into the river and go into an unknown, possibly dangerous area. Maybe. I can go back to Kokiri Forest, which suddenly seems a lot wetter than before. No, too safe. Or, I can go to that completely bland and uninteresting ranch that I've been running towards anyways.

"Well, only an idiot wouldn't choose the river!"

And so, completely moronically, Link dashes over to Zora River, preparing to jump in. Unfortunately for him, Farore wasn't quite too pleased with his decision and, as his guardian goddess, decided to blow him into the ranch anyways.

Oh well.

Screaming and flailing about in Farore's Wind (AHAha…ha), Link landed with an unpleasant thud in the middle of a stable. Yeah, as in, he fell through the roof.

Link groaned and tilted his head up to see a very tall figure looming over him.

"Greetings, Link," boomed the figure. "I have predicted the coming of thee. I am Ingo…Tree."

Link decided his head was better off down.

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After leaving the stable and the…Ingo Tree ("Yes, Link. Exit this stable and fulfill thy destiny."), Link walked over to all the pretty little horses prancing around trying to kill each other. Upon closer examination, they weren't actually horses, but instead very, very vicious Wolfos.

Of course, as a child, Link never was one for close examination, and Navi usually had to point everything out to him. Thus, he never noticed that the horses were snapping at him and trying to eat him. Regardless, he somehow managed to reach the center, where young Zelda stood, blasting back every Wolfos that came her way.

"Link!" she exclaimed, surprised. "You're quite the brave one, aren't you?"

Link scratched his head, still clueless, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you made it through all of those Wolfos!"

"Wolfos?" Link shouted. He immediately sprinted to Zelda and started using her as a shield. "Keep them away!"

Zelda giggled, "Link, you're such a kidder."

Link slowly came out of hiding, "Yeah, heh. Kidding."

Suddenly, there was one lone howl, sounding three notes twice. The other Wolfos' ears perked, and they slinked back, still snarling.

One large, white Wolfos leaped over the legions of other Wolfos and began howling again. Zelda whispered, "That's the most vicious of all of them, and the leader of the pack. We call her Epona."

Link whispered back, "What does Epona mean?"

"How in Nayru's infinite wisdom should I know?"

Epona began howling for the third time.

Link took out his Fairy Macaroni, "Hmm. I have an idea." He threw the noodle at the Wolfos' head and shouted, "Fairy powers, activate!"

Of course, nothing happened.

Link moaned, "Why did that crazy Sheikah have to take my Ocarina?" Just then, Sheik appeared in front of them.

"I am incredibly sorry," gasped Sheik. "It was supposed to be the Fairy Ocarina _stuffed with_ macaroni." He gave Link said object. Link could only gape incredulously.

Zelda had other thoughts, "Sheik! Now that you're here, you can help us with the Wolfos!"

Said Wolfos were being extremely patient with the whole ordeal and were currently playing another round of Go Fish.

Sheik turned around to see the Wolfos, who upon noticing him, dropped their cards and started snarling viciously.

"Whoa, you've got yourself in a bit of trouble here," said Sheik nervously. "Well, I have things to do, songs to write. Sorry, bye!"

In another puff of smoke, he teleported away.

Zelda screamed at the sky, "You can't abandon me! I created you! How dare you abandon your creator!"

Link looked down at the Ocarina and started unplugging it, "That howl reminds me of a song I know."

With that, he started playing Saria's Song. Zelda bonked him on the head, "HOW does the howl remind you of that song? They sound nothing alike!"

"What? It's a Wolfos!" protested Link. "Wolfos remind me of the forest!"

Epona slapped her forehead with a paw, trotted over to Link, stood on two hind legs and tapped Link on the shoulder.

She howled very slowly, making sure to enunciate each separate note very carefully. Then, she bonked Link on the head, got down on all fours, and trotted back.

Link, enlightened and in pain, began playing the exact notes the Wolfos howled. He then added a few notes on his own that he remembered was playing in the background ever since he walked into the ranch, which he never did.

Five minutes later, when Link was well into his jazz improvisation solo, Epona and Zelda decided to do a coordinated bonk on the head.

As Link groaned in pain, Epona trotted over to him, panting. She reared onto two hind legs and began licking Link's face.

"Aww, she likes you!" laughed Zelda.

"From a song?" Link asked sarcastically.

Zelda walked over to Epona, "Does it matter? The Wolfos aren't attacking anymore. You saved me, Link!"

Link rubbed the back of his head, "Aw, it was nothing."

"Oh no, please, take a gift of my gratification," insisted Zelda. "That fat man in the stable over there should have something for you. Please, take it, or that man won't rest! And believe me, you want him to rest!"

Link hardly heard her after the word "gift." His eyes brightened, and he took a huge leap over all of the Wolfos after Zelda was done.

Zelda was at a loss for words.

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As Link dashed into the door (literally, as in, he made a hole), he saw Mario chasing around a bunch of Cuccos and shouting like a retard, "Wheeeee! Yippee! Yahoo! Waha! Buy my CD!"

Link cautiously approached the possibly insane plumber, "Um, excuse me."

Mario stopped and declared, "It's-a me, Mario!"

"Uh, that's nice. Do you happen to have anything for somebody who saved the girl out there?"

"Okie-dokie!"

"Okay, can you speak normally?"

"Sorry," laughed Mario. "I was just-a, how you say, play with-a you. I have a very-a precious thing. It is our finest-a milk!"

Link gaped, "Milk? That's it? Oh well, hand it over!"

"Not-a so fast!" warned Mario. "You see these-a Cuccos over-a here? They aren't-a normal Cuccos. They are Super-a Cuccos!"

Mario pointed at the three Cuccos dressed like him.

Link couldn't make head or tail out of this, and decided to call it a body.

Mario continued, "You-a pay me 10 Rupees and I let-a you play, okie-dokie? You must find-a these three out of the rest of them-a!"

"10 Rupees?" Link exclaimed. "Ah, fine." He tossed two blue rupees over to the plumber. Good thing he had stocked up on money by breaking those pots!

"Okie-dokie! You have-a 30 seconds starting NOW-A!"

It took about five seconds for Link to find them, and that was because Mario threw one onto the stairs. Mario's jaw dropped, "That's amazing-a!"

Link sighed and held out a hand, demanding his milk. Mario handed him a bottle of Lon-Lon milk, "Go ahead-a, have a drink."

Link peered into the bottle of white, foggy substance. He noticed a few brown patches. "I think I'll save it for later."

Upon exiting the door, he heard a scream for help. The Wolfos were attacking Zelda again. Zelda noticed Link and started waving frantically. Link motioned that he didn't exactly know what she expected him to do. Zelda mimicked playing the Ocarina. Link signified that he had a huge rubber chicken over his head.

Or wait, maybe that nod meant "yes."

In any case, Link took up his Ocarina and started to play Epona's Song, when he realized there was something horribly wrong.

"I forgot the song!" Link yelled.

"WHAT?" Zelda yelled back. "You just learned it two minutes ago!"

Link ran towards her, still yelling, "What about Epona?"

Zelda pointed at the still-sleeping White Wolfos. Link groaned and began to draw his sword as he neared the Wolfos. Hopefully, he'd start slashing, and DAED would kick in.

Then, there was a shout, "Fear-a not! Super-a Cuccos to the rescue-a!"

The music suddenly changed into a bunch of bleeps and bloops as the three Super Cuccos began jumping on the Wolfos, knocking them out one by one. The Wolfos didn't have a chance as the Cuccos grew bigger, started spitting fireballs at them, and kicked a Wolfos into eight others for a 1-Up.

It was not long before the Wolfos all lay in a daze while the Cuccos celebrated a victorious dance with Mario. The music reverted to normal and all was well again.

Link walked over to Zelda and yelled, "Does he always do that?"

Zelda winced, "Link, you don't have to yell anymore."

"I know!" yelled Link, "But I've taken a liking to yelling!" He then noticed a strange pulsating feeling in his bag, where AMSIS was conveniently linked. He took out the Kokiri's Wheat, which suddenly caught fire.

Link, with a yell, tossed it back into his bag, and looked up in the general direction of the Kokiri Forest. A huge pillar of smoke met his eye.

Link's eyes widened. Zelda asked, "So, are you going back to fix everything?"

Link yelled, "WHAT? Why would I do that? You didn't think that I'd…" He broke off from Zelda's glare. "I mean, heh, of course! Here I go, back to the currently burning forest."

He dashed out of the ranch and to his doom…I mean, the forest.

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When Link entered the forest, he was quite surprised to see that the forest wasn't burning after all. In fact, the birds were happily chirping, the children were frolicking, and Majora was trying to rub something against the grass.

"HEY!" Link yelled. "There you are!"

Majora looked up (er…if you can tell) and flitted around nervously. He tried, in vain, to hide an object behind his…um…back.

"What's that?" yelled Link.

Majora threw it into the far reaches of the forest, where an, "Ow!" was heard.

"Er, nothing. Hey, why are you yelling?"

Link yelled in response, "Because I feel like it!"

"Right…"

It was then that a horse galloped over to them with a ghostly figure riding on it. The horse neighed as it reared onto its hind legs, and the figure snickered, "Heh heh heh…"

"Why are you still snickering?" yelled Link questioningly. "I thought you weren't evil anymore! Gohma told me everything!"

"Why are you yelling?" countered Phantom Ganon. "Anyways, I AM evil, just in different ways than one would expect."

"I know more kinds of evil Link knows ways to hurt himself!" Majora bragged. "Give me your best shot."

Phantom Ganon snickered again, "You'll know in due time. Heh heh heh…"

"Oh, that is so old and overused!"

"Ah, it doesn't matter!" Phantom Ganon snapped. "You're supposed to be seeing that girl in the Sacred Forest Meadow, which, if you don't recall, is past the Lost Woods. Don't get lost…heh heh h…"

"Stop doing that!" Link yelled.

"Sorry."

"Lost Woods, huh?" Link yelled boastfully. "I know my way around that place better than I know my cat!"

Majora interjected, "Do you even have a cat?"

"No, but that's besides the point! Come, Majora, let us charge to the mystery girl's rescue!"

"I don't think she…"

"Shut up!"

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Link and Majora looked at their surroundings. There were three passages they could choose.

"Wow," commented Majora. "This is just like one of those game shows."

"What's a game show?"" yelled Link. "Hey my voice echoes!"

"Never mind. Come on," Majora flew over to the center of the area, "Pick a door."

Seconds later, they wound up outside the Lost Woods in the Kokiri Forest again.

"Link? Normally, I wouldn't care if you chose the wrong way," said Majora, "But whenyougo into the same passage you entered, I think I'll have to punish your stupidity somehow!"

---------------------------------------

"Hey," yelled Link. "I'm finally getting the hang of this! I just have to NOT go into the ones with the prettyful colors! Oh yeah, and the music's a dead giveaway too."

Just then, a voice spoke from the trees, "Well, well, if it isn't Mask-for-a-Fairy Boy!"

"Mido!" Link yelled incredulously. "How did you get here? I thought I left you up in that tree!"

Majora was surprised as well, "Yeah! And I thought I summoned those Redeads to finish you off!"

Link and Mido stared at Majora oddly.

"I mean, uh, left you for those Redeads to finish you off! Yeah, Redeads are perfectly common in Hyrule Castle Grounds!"

Mido shrugged, "Fair enough. Now then, I have another speech to make!"

Majora groaned while Link yelled in a groaning fashion.

"Do you hear that tune?"

"Are you deaf?" countered Majora.

"Ooh, tough crowd. Alright, well, it's supposedly the song of the forests, and it should guide you."

"We already figured that out!" yelled Link angrily.

"Well, sorry for trying to help!" Mido retorted. "You'll never make it anyways."

Link proceeded to take up his slingshot and shoot him down again.

---------------------------------------

They finally entered the Sacred Forest Meadow. It was quite the beautiful place, with trees sheltering the meadow. Bushes were scattered across the sacred site. The cool, clear ponds were the final touch that made it truly a forest paradise.

And then somebody had to go too far and put iron bars closing the area up and two psychotic horses galloping around the area.

"So, how are we supposed to deal with these bars?" asked Majora.

Link yelled, "Well, from my past experience with dungeons, you've got to kill off the enemies. That would be the horses!"

Majora shrugged (can he do that?), "Alright, I'll go check up information on them."

He flew close to them, glowed yellow, and started transferring his information, "Well, they're horses. Swords and every other weapon are ineffective. According to my sources, this particular one likes carrots and walking in the rain. Whoa, too much information!"

"Hold it," yelled Link. "I've got carrots in my bag somewhere. Ah, here we are!"

When they were done feeding the pretty horsies, the iron bars did indeed drop. "Now," Link yelled. "Forward!"

They rushed forward, when suddenly, Link began twitching. His eyes glowed red. Majora groaned, "Oh, no."

The Mad Scrubs in the area hardly had the chance to say, "Hey, I spit three nuts!" before Link impaled every one of them on the sacred Kokiri Sword. Quite ironic, really, if you think about it.

Link finally calmed down when he had reached a small clearing. Majora trailed slowly behind him. In the clearing was a lone tree with a branch that seemed to be in front of a passageway. Almost directly below the branch was a strange symbol that looked rather like a piece of bread.

Sitting on a stump in the clearing was a girl he _still_ didn't recognize in the least bit, playing her Ocarina quietly.

The girl removed the instrument from her lips, "Have you figured out who I am yet?"

Link yelled, "Uh, no!"

Majora sighed, "I think _I've_ even figured out who she is, and I'm pretty sure I never even met her!"

Navi…wait, oh shoot!

"I can introduce myself thank you very much!" Navi shouted to the heavens.

"No…way!" Link yelled. "Tael? I thought you were male!"

Majora bonked him on the head, "It's Navi, dolt! Though I'm not too sure who Navi is anyways."

"I used to be his fairy," Navi stated dryly. "It was not a pleasant experience. First of all, I was constantly entrapped by those stupid guardian fairy instincts. You must have experienced them by now, Majora. Constant statings of the obvious? Repeated Hey!'s?"

Majora thought for a bit, "No, I don't believe I have. There were a couple of times I blanked out, though, and I'm not sure _what_ happened then."

Navi continued, "Secondly, Link wasn't that bright. I mean, he was a great kid and all, but he had no observational skills! Hence, why he probably couldn't guess who I was."

"But I thought you were blue!" Link yelled in confusion.

"I am…or, was blue," Navi explained. "I suppose whoever coordinated this mess decided to make me seem more Kokiri by giving me a Kokiri skin color and build. I look like a smaller, more childish, much less ugly version of the Great Fairy now, and that's not a good thing for a regular fairy!"

"But," Link yell-stammered, "But…"

"Why are you yelling?" asked Navi.

"Because I feel like it!" Link yelled happily.

"That's strange. You seem even worse than when I had you as my companion seven or so years ago," Navi remarked.

"Ha!" Majora laughed triumphantly. "That's because the great Hero has succumbed to my spells of…er…dumbiness! And, without his precious guardian fairy, he will finally be a slave of my will!"

Majora's laugh broke off with an, "Erk!" as Link swatted him away. "Ah, the bitter taste of defeat," Majora muttered.

"Anyways, this has gone on far too long," said Navi. "It is time that I taught you a song. Just follow along as I play Saria's Song."

Link raised a hand and yelled, "Wait, I know that song!"

Navi raised an eyebrow, "You…remember it? I thought you didn't remember anything apart from people!"

Link yelled skeptically, "How would you know that? I said that when you weren't around!"

Navi smirked, "I work in mysterious ways. Well, if you know it already, I suppose there was no point in coming here, was there? You know the deal with Saria's song, right? Play the song to speak with me or Majora, or to make a certain character dance like a maniac. Ironically, I don't think you can speak with Saria using this song, though."

"Where is Saria anyways?" Link yelled.

Navi shrugged, "You'll find her, I guess. For now, I suppose, you should continue on with your quest. Goodbye, and may we meet again."

Link tried to yell goodbye, but no words came out.

"Is there something wrong, Link?" Navi asked, concerned.

"Ha!" Majora laughed triumphantly…again, "He's mute! Now that the great Hero is mute, I can—ERK!"

Majora found himself swatted away again.

"Well," Navi laughed. "I suppose you shouldn't have yelled that much, hmm?" With that, she went back to playing the Ocarina.

In a blinding rage, Link tore through the Mad Scrubs in the Sacred Forest Meadow like a beast. They soon found themselves in the Lost Woods again. Mido was waiting, somehow on the tree again.

"So, Mask-for-a-Fairy Boy, you've learned a new song! You can play this song by unplugging your Ocarina and blowing into it, and then using your fingers to make different sounds. When a musical staff appears, you can…"

Mido soon found himself shot down from the tree again with the mark of the blunt side of a sword.

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End Chapter 4

Chrysa: Whew! Not as long as the third chapter, but still long for me! I was putting the two events together since I thought they'd both be short. Needless to say, Lon-Lon Ranch took a tad too long.

Eot: Wow, lotsa reviews, huh?

Chrysa: Heh, yeah. Well, I don't care for reviews that much for this story anyways, so long as you liked it! Now then, reviewer replies! Simdow?

Simdow: Very well.

To Greki: Always happy to hear that!

To Tweedle Dumbass: Thanks for the Memory cards!

Was that a compliment or an insult?

Well, it was intended to be Master Hand, but it could be Crazy Hand, Floormaster, Wallmaster, you get the point.

Eot's Eot and Chrysa's Chrysa. Heh. Chrysa is the main author of most of the things you see under Elements of the Psyche's profile. Eot writes most of this one, though, and Chrysa corrects it.

Chrysa would like you to know that there is no Coral and that it was a simple slip of the keyboard.

To Marionette AD: Yes, another parody. Thanks for laughing:)

To gohanrulez23: Sorry, but I've already got plans for who's going to be who, though I'm happy to take suggestions in case a better one comes along!

'Til next time then!


	5. Falling, falling, falling

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time

Chapter 5: Dropping Into the Grave (and a Whole Lot of Other Things Too!)

Disclaimer: As far as I'm concerned, I own no LoZ. I disown LoZ! DISOWN!

Ragnod: Riiiight. Now hyphens are fine. This has gone past frustrating.

Dronam: I'd like everybody to note that this chapter's title is longer than every other chapter title. Rejoice! This random fact has been brought to you by Dronam, Lord Dragon of Madness.

Sara: (dryly) Good for you.

Eot: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Get back in the closet!

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Simdow: I'd like to note that this chapter is rated T for a minor recurring joke that could be considered inappropriate.

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Link and Majora exited the Kokiri Forest with the former silent but enraged, and the latter seizing every opportunity to take advantage.

"Link, by staying silent, I assume you are answering yes to the following questions.

"Do I have permission to destroy Hyrule?"

Link tried to scream, "NO!"

"Yes? Okay. Do you hate the princess and wish she would die?"

Link waved his arms frantically.

"Ooh, wait until she hears of this. Are you gay?"

Link fumed.

"Wow. Now that was unexpected. If—"

Majora was cut short as a Deku Seed collided into him. "Ack, you're aim's getting better."

They arrived at the stairs to Kakariko without much delay, where Majora suddenly began glowing green.

However, instead of speaking in a high-pitched monotone, reality blurred slightly as Majora glowed red and spoke in very computerized tones.

"Message incomplete. Variable not found. Initiating reboot sequence."

"What?" Link inquired in confusion, before noticing something. "Hey, I can talk again!"

This revelation, however, was short-lived, as reality blurred again and turned black. Link managed to utter, "What is this, Windows?" before disappearing with the rest of Hyrule.

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In the Sacred Realm…

Nayru put a hand to her forehead and groaned. Farore peered over her shoulder at what was troubling the goddess. "What's the problem?"

Nayru screamed in frustration, "The stupid world crashed!"

Farore nodded. After thinking it over a bit, she decided she still didn't understand, "Huh?"

"See, Majora was supposed to say something about going up Death Mountain," explained Nayru with a twitching eye. "But, since he wasn't around when Sheik said to go there, he couldn't have known about the place. Because those conditions weren't met, the program couldn't run properly, and the entire world had to reboot!"

Farore sweatdropped, "Er, since when did Hyrule behave like a computer program?"

Nayru glared behind her, "Since somebody decided to see how quickly she could get inebriated!"

"Ow, not so loud," Din whined.

Nayru screamed again, "How did you manage to create such a problem that even I cannot fix?"

Farore thought for a bit, "Hmm. Hey, I got it!"

The deity of courage shoved Nayru aside, ignoring her protests. Farore deftly tore some strings from the fabric of space-time and knitted them together quite sloppily.

"That ought to do it!"

Nayru clambered to her feet to see what Farore had done.

"You created a _plothole_?"

"Sure!" Farore grinned. "It'll get them out of this mess!"

"Yes, but don't you think there are enough problems as it is?"

Farore shrugged, "We'll just wait until Din gets over her hangover, and the three of us'll work on repairing it together. Two without the other can't do much, you know."

Nayru groaned, "I guess."

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"Whoa!" Majora shook himself to clear his head. "What happened?"

Link scratched his head, "I don't know. Hey, I can still talk!"

Link continued, "Anyway, last thing I remember was everything becoming all fuzzy. And then I saw Ganondorf having a tea party with a whole bunch of stuffed animals. So then I says to Ganon, I says"

Majora interrupted, "Okay, that's quite enough. Well, at least everything's back to normal now, even though we seem to be in a completely different area than we used to be."

Link nodded, "Yep! All that there is to do now to assure this setting is indeed new is to look below us."

The two did so, and then looked back at each other. After a while of staring, the two nodded, looked down again, screamed, and fell down the hole.

With a rather unpleasant thud, Link landed on his back on the cold stone ground. Majora, who realized he could fly halfway through the fall, floated down without a sound.

"Owwww," Link groaned. Upon getting up (which took quite a while), he noticed their surroundings.

They were in a very plain, enclosed chamber. The light from outside just barely illuminated the area. Nearby lay many, many rocks and sticks. Noticing them, Link ran over to the said objects, "Hey, these might come in handy."

He picked up a rock. It felt a bit dusty, so Link brushed it off. It was a very strange rock, with a few openings. One of the openings seemed to have many little rocks inside as well, which Link found he could break apart from the big rock.

"I can barely see in here," Majora complained. "I'll just get a light going."

A bright flash of light engulfed the area. Link shielded his eyes for a moment, and looked at the rock again. A brief moment was all that was required to notice that it was actually a skull.

Screaming, Link threw down the skull. The sound, combined with the light, awakened the Keese that were sleeping on the walls.

Screeching, they swooped down on…Majora. Majora yelled, "GAH! I'm not a bug! I'm not a bug! I'm not a bug! I'm not a bug! I'm not a bug!"

Desperately trying to evade his predators, he didn't notice where he was going, and crashed into a door. The Keese, being the very clever creatures they were, followed suit.

Peeling away the Keese (whilst stabbing them with his trusty blade), Link uncovered Majora, who slid slowly down the door.

The door chose this time to unlock and open, sending Majora flying upwards.

Whistling, Link decided to proceed and let Majora recover by himself.

The room he was now in was much brighter than the previous one, as the bright green liquid in the pools scattered across the room glowed.

Link peered into one of the pools, and drew back his head when a popping bubble released several drops of acid onto his face.

Running around screaming while clawing at his eyes, he suddenly found that he couldn't move his body anymore. He couldn't see anything, as his hands were still at his eyes. However, he could hear a very distinct moaning sound.

_Oh no,_ thought Link. _I'm going to suffer the same fate as those Hyrule Castle Guards. Wait, that means that I'm going to _become_ a Hyrule Castle Guard! No!_

With all his might, Link broke free of the Redead's grasp and yelled, "I WILL NOT BE UNDERPAID!"

Still yelling, Link dashed through the rest of the room, somehow managing to evade both the acid pits _and_ the Redead's. Ah, the power of the union.

With blind rage, Link rushed into the next room and skidded to a halt before he crashed into the stone in front of him. Wiping sweat off his brow, he noticed there were inscriptions on the stone.

"This poem is dedicated to the memory of the dearly departed members of the Royal Family.

"The rising sun will eventually set

A newborn's life will fade.

From sun to moon, moon to sun…

But you won't ever see that anymore,

Cuz you're dead!"

Link scratched his head, "That's a poem? I guess it started out okay, but…"

He noticed there was more, "Hey, what's this? The secret melody of the Composer Brothers. C Right, C Down, C Up, C Right, C Down, C Up? What's that mean?

"Well, it's probably useless anyway. I mean, it's not like it'll help me with Redeads or anything."

He failed to notice the last stanza.

"Restless souls wander

Where they don't belong.

Knock them unconscious.

Or, uh, use this song."

---------------------------------------

After narrowly avoiding the Redeads again, Link sighed in relief as he made his way back to the entrance room. He noticed some music playing outside, followed by maniacal laughing, followed by the song again.

Link decided to investigate. He stepped on the pillar, which teleported him up (Farore's fault).

He found Majora as the origin of the music, though he wasn't sure what instrument he was using. He recognized Koume as the one next to him, looking ready to burst.

Majora laughed maniacally again, "Mwahahaha! Yes, this Sun's Song will be a valuable asset to my mission of world conquest!"

He noticed Link behind him.

"Er, I mean—_early rest_! Yeah, changing the time will allow me to get some _early rest_."

Koume growled, "Can I leave now?"

"So, what'd you find out in there?" Majora asked Link.

Link dusted himself off, "Bah! All I found was some song or other that I couldn't even decipher. It was some sort of song by the Composer Brothers or something."

"You don't mean the Sun's Song, do you?" asked Koume. She floated over to Link, "I could have taught you that. Sharp and Flat were our prisoners once, you know."

"Yes, it is a very, very interesting piece, is it not?" Majora laughed wickedly, before proceeding to play the song again.

"Indeed," Koume remarked flatly (heh). Then her tone grew sharper (two in a row!) "I don't think you should mess up time that much."

"Why don't I get to mess up time?" Majora complained. "Link got to mess up time!"

"I regret teaching you that song," Koume growled again.

"You probably do."

Koume floated over to one of the graves next to the Royal Tomb. "Well, I'll be off now!"

"Hey wait!" Link shouted. "Don't I get to—"

Alas, his protests were unheard, as the witch twirled and disappeared.

There was some silence as Link trudged towards the exit to the graveyard.

"Well, don't think I'm going to teach you the song," Majora said at last. "I finally have a weapon you don't, and I'm going to use it!"

"But how are you playing the song? Surely the song wouldn't work if you just hummed it!"

"Well," Majora explained. "That witch gave me a piece of a magical macaroni or something. Upon eating it, I gained the power to hum a song and utilize the effects of it!"

"Wait, you mean I wouldn't have to learn how to play this stupid Ocarina if I had just eaten that piece of macaroni that Sheik gave me?" Link asked in outrage.

"Er, that seems to be the case."

Link hurriedly whipped out his Ocarina. "Oh great! I threw away the macaroni that the ocarina was stuffed with too!"

He shouted to the heavens, "Curse you, Sheik! CURSE YOU!"

Unfortunately, as his eyes were completely focused on the sky, he hadn't noticed there was another hole below him.

---------------------------------------

Grudgingly climbing to his feet, Link looked around at his surroundings. It was yet another grave with far too much room. Interestingly enough, he saw a treasure chest at the end of the grave.

"Treasure!" Link screamed with glee. "Treasure treasure treasure treasure treasure!"

Kicking the chest open, he took out the contents and held it up for all to see.

"You got a Hylian Shield! Switch to the Equipment subscreen and select this shield, then equip it with A."

Link jumped in surprise, "Whoa! Where'd that mysterious, booming voice come from? Eh, I'd better get out of here!"

With that, he sprinted towards the pillar of light, where he was magically teleported to the surface.

…again

…Shut up.

---------------------------------------

Outside, Majora was waiting patiently. Mysteriously, it was daytime again.

"So what'd you find in there," Majora asked.

Link made a nonchalant gesture, "Ah, it was just some shield or other. But it's made of steel, so it won't catch fire that easily!"

As they made their way to Kakariko village (where they were supposed to be _before_ coming to the graveyard), Link decided to pull out the Hylian shield from AMSIS and try it out.

This was followed by Link floundering about like a turtle on its back, which was what he looked like.

Majora snickered, "Too heavy for you?"

Link gave one mighty heave and dropped it back into his bag, "Shut up. This doesn't make any sense! I held it over my head just two minutes ago!"

"Suuuuure you did."

"I did!"

At long last, they reached Kakariko (a little _too_ long if you ask me). They sighed with relief when they noticed that there certainly were not any strange villagers, aside from the Cucco lady who's allergic, the carpenters, Link, the carpenter boss…

An undefined amount of time later…

…and Blade of Grass #413. But besides that, everybody was normal.

Majora twitched, "What a disgustingly simple village. If I had half of the powers I had, this village would have been torched to the ground!"

Link stared at him.

"Er, hey, there's Death Mountain!"

Indeed, the ring of smoke at the summit of Death Mountain was easily visible from Link's standpoint. It floated there ominously, as a sign of what may transpire there.

If Link looked really closely, he could see the traces of an elephant's head.

But, er, that's beside the point.

"No, no, Majora," laughed Link. Not that he would ever admit it, but that laugh frightened Majora.

"You see, maybe in those olden times, those times of yore, you would pass by villages simply to visit their marketplaces and get to your next destination. However, we live in an advanced, modern age where every medium-sized village has little mini-games and side quests, each one allowing us to obtain a very useful item!

"And, my friend, the only way to reach these side quests is to _break into people's houses!_"

"Uh huh," Majora tried to grasp his concept. "So, you wish to obtain power by invading others' private properties and essentially stealing their things?"

"Yep! Love doing it too!" Link exclaimed happily. "Now, let's go BUST SOME DOORS!"

With that, the young Kokiri dashed off, leaving Majora stunned. Then, he shook himself, "What am I doing? Link's off causing mayhem and chaos, and I'm not there to aid him! Off I go!"

Link locked onto the first house he saw, aimed carefully, and ran straight through the door…without opening it. Majora eyed the hole and decided it may be better to wait outside.

Link skidded to a halt and surveyed his surroundings. Dark, damp, musty, full of spider webs, nobody in sight…

"Yep, perfect place for a side quest!"

"Oh, family," Link called out in a sing-song voice, "Where are you?"

"We're right here!"

"Right here!"

"Right here!"

"Right here!"

"Riiiight HEEERRRE!"

Link yelled out and jumped backwards slightly. Five frogs attached on strands of web dropped from the ceiling. The center frog sang in a pleasant (albeit eerie) tenor voice, "We're the Fabulous Five Froggish Tenors! Rrrrribbit!"

"Heh, that's, uh," Link started sweating, "That's good for you!"

The center frog began speaking normally, though still in that tenor voice, "But there is one problem. You see…"

Music began playing in the background, the lights turned on, and backup frogs appeared out of nowhere.

"Weeee'rrre cursed!"

"We're cursed!"

"Oh, it's the worst!"

"So we sit here composin' verse!"

"Congrats! You are the very fiiiiiirrrrrst…"

The center frog held that last note before all five of them continued,

"…to hear our musical on being cursed!"

Link ran screaming out the wall, making another hole, before they could go on.

Upon crashing through the wall, Link tripped over the fence, tumbled to the ground, scrambled to his feet, and sprinted to the center of the village, madly looking for any large building to hide from the Fabulously Frightening Frogs. Finding a suitable one, he dashed into it.

Majora floated up to the building, "Hmm…What'd he rush into this windmill for?"

Meanwhile, Link panted from inside his haven. "Finally safe! Now, to see where I went; something I should have done before entering!"

"Hmm…Ah, no, that won't work at all."

Link gaped at the ghost he recognized as Composer Brother Flat, or was it Sharp? He always got the two mixed up. The ghost didn't seem to notice him, as he continued talking to himself, "The Song of Storms should not be that hard to give words to, especially since I've been hearing nothing but it for two days! Once I finish these songs, my musical, "Rain" shall finally be complete!"

Link gulped as he edged towards the exit, trying not to make any sudden movements, lest he notice him.

"But no, no ideas are coming…I suppose my musical has come to a crashing halt."

Link sighed with relief.

"I'll just compose about something else then! How about frogs, like those cursed ones?

"They are cursed!

"They are cursed!

"Oh, it can't get any worse!"

Screaming, Link fled again. Flat glanced curiously at the door, "Oh, Door, it couldn't be _that_ bad, could it?"

Upon exiting the windmill, Link tripped over the fence, tumbled to the ground, scrambled to his—wait, this seems awfully familiar. Er, let's just say he decided whatever side quest there was here was definitely not worth pursuing.

And so, he and Majora (who had pillaged many houses while Link was running around) found themselves at the gate to the Death Mountain Trail.

Standing guard was, surprisingly, the guard that was supposed to be there. And, this said guard was becoming increasingly annoyed with Link constantly prodding and poking him.

The guard cleared his throat, "Ahem. Can I help you?"

Link looked up at him and said, "Probably not," before going back to poking him.

The guard sighed. What had he done to deserve this job? Finally, Link stood, "So, you're absolutely _sure_ that you are supposed to be standing guard here?"

"YES!"

"Oh, okay," said Link, shrugging. "I'll be on my way now."

Link tried to walk past the guard, but to no avail, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guard just stared at him before replying, "I'm a guard. It's my job to make sure people don't pass me. If I allowed you to go up Death Mountain, I'd be a pretty lousy guard."

Link stood back, outraged, "What? Do you know who I am? I am the hero of this game! Everything revolves around me! You HAVE to let me through."

The guard chuckled, "Nice try, buddy. You need the King's permission to go up Death Mountain Trail. If you don't have proof that you're part of the Royal Family, you'll never get past me."

Link snapped his fingers, "That's it! I'll just play the song of the Royal Family, and you'll have to let me through, right?"

"Well, yes."

Link snapped his fingers again, "Why in Farore's name did I cover my ears when Gohma was humming it?"

"Well, if you don't have any proof, I'm afraid that—"

"Hold it!" A new, but familiar voice interrupted. A figure jumped from a tree, flipped a few times, and landed in a defensive stance, before changing to a meditative one.

Link gaped, "Where did you come from?"

The newcomer, Sheik, decided the best stance was probably just a normal one, "Ah, Link. I thought you'd be here, so I decided to wait here in that tree."

"Er…couldn't you just do whatever it was you had to do at Lon-Lon Ranch?"

"Don't question me!" growled Sheik. He walked up to the guard, "Now then, here is the signed letter of Princess Zelda, confirming that one Link can pass through the gate and up Death Mountain."

Sheik smirked in triumph, but his face fell when the guard shook his head, "Sorry, I still can't let him pass."

"What? But he has the princess' permission!"

"Yes, but he needs the _King's_ permission."

"Oh," Sheik stepped back to ponder this new turn of events. After thoroughly and rationally thinking it through, he decided the best solution was throwing a Sheikah marble into the guard's face.

"Quick, run!"

Link dashed through the gate, which was quite odd, since it was still closed.

Completely ignoring the fact that he had only half a heart of health (heh) left, Link looked around for his evilly harmless companion.

"Well this can't be good…"

Indeed, in Kakariko, most of the villagers will have returned to their houses to find almost everything completely gone. Majora snickered as he made the rather hefty bag of goods disappear into AMSIS.

Flying towards the gate to Death Mountain (Sheik had already left), Majora noticed the guard attempting to scrub out his eyes. Without any hesitation, Majora flitted over to the guard and pilfered his riches. With another evil snicker, he flew in Link's direction.

"Hey, no!" the guard shouted. "Come back! Oh, why'd I pick this job?"

---------------------------------------

"I'm not going to question why you have a bag of Rupees floating behind you, but I will ask you to share some with me!"

Majora scoffed, "Ah, steal your own money!" He vanished the bag.

They began their ascent up Death Mountain. However, their journey was cut short by an earsplitting shriek…

…from Link.

A red Tektite was jumping towards them ominously. Link was shivering in fear.

Majora growled, "You can't tell me you have arachnophobia. You killed off those Skulltulas pretty easily. Shouldn't you be going into your little 'wipe out all enemies' mode?"

"Normally, yes, but…"

"But?"

"They MOVE!" Link's eyes widened in panic.

"This will be a long climb…"

---------------------------------------

Luckily, they didn't have to dodge _too_ many Tektites before finally reaching a rock where they could sit and rest.

And, upon doing so, the rock stood up, sending Link tumbling off…

…right onto a Tektite…

…which jumped, causing Link to fly off…

…when he was hit by a Goron casually rolling down the mountain.

Majora and the two Gorons watched Link fall screaming down the mountainside.

And kids, this is why you should _always_ pay attention to your life meter, for Link barely had any left.

---------------------------------------

_Oh no,_ Link thought frantically. _I can't die now! I still had so much to do! For one, punch Din in the face for this entire thing to happen…_

_Besides, I don't know when was the last time I saved, either! If I get a Game Over now…_

Alas, he couldn't finish his thought, for it was interrupted by the sound of his body hitting the dirt of Kakariko.

However, after that painful moment, Link found himself on Death Mountain, exactly where he fell off. He looked down at his chest, and noticed that he only had a quarter of a heart left.

Of course, being the mathematical genius that he was, Link took only five minutes to figure out how much damage he sustained.

"A quarter of a heart? Running into a spider takes away a whole heart, but falling down the mountain takes away only a _quarter of a heart_?"

Indeed…

---------------------------------------

(Special note: From this point onwards, read with discretion. Children under thirteen should do so especially.)

After some rambling (of which Majora took out some earplugs he plundered), one of the Gorons cleared his throat.

"You two wouldn't happen to be going to Goron City, would you?"

Link turned around as if noticing the Goron for the first time, "Depends…Is that where the Goron's Nuts are?"

Majora snickered.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Nothing," said Majora through snickers.

The Goron replied as if nothing had transpired, "Yes, indeed! However, I must tell you that our leader hasn't been very friendly these past few days. If you want the treasure, he'll probably want you to do something dangerously risky, like tell you to blow up this rock here, enter the cavern, and kill everything inside."

Sweat dripped down Link's neck, "But that's unlikely, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"Excellent," Link said. "I'll be up to Goron City then!"

As Link dashed up the mountain (while making sure that he was staying on the _inner_ edge of the trail, Majora lingered.

"So, Goron City is full of Gorons like yourself?" Majora asked.

"Yes," the Goron replied, perplexed.

"And are you all very strong?" Majora continued.

"I suppose…"

"And," Majora pushed on, "If I were to make an army to take over Hyrule, hypothetically, of course, how many human soldiers could one of your member take down?"

"Er, two or three, I guess…" The Goron was now utterly confused.

"Interesting, interesting…"

---------------------------------------

However, due to an eddy in the river of space-time (and partially due to Link being out of shape in his ten year old body), Link and Majora arrived at the entrance of Goron City at the same time.

---------------------------------------

Link and Majora gazed at Goron City in awe, the former for the giant Goron statue in the center of the city, and the latter for the not-so-giant, not-so-statuey Gorons that would make a destructive army…but you didn't hear that from me.

"Wow, this place is…strange. I don't seem to remember anything about it at all!"

Link began walking forward while looking upwards at the ceiling. This was quite moronic, really, because such acts easily led to his fall many times.

And by fall, I mean fall.

Link soon found his arms flailing as he fell feet-first downwards from the very top of the city to the very bottom.

It was quite a painful experience, and what was worse…he only had a quarter of a heart left.

But that's okay, since Farore sent a gentle wind that picked him up, carried him over to a large door at the bottom, set him down, patted him on the head, and knocked politely on the door before disappearing. Majora managed to catch up with Link before too long, grumbling in complaint that Link had once again averted certain death.

"Password?" An oddly squeaky sounding voice yelled from inside.

"What?" Link yelled back.

"Correct!" The door opened. Where Link expected to see the hulking figure of the Goron leader, he saw...absolutely nothing.

"Ahem!" the voice cleared his throat. Link looked downwards to see the a little boy with a striped shirt and a cap.

"Hey, I don't know you!" the boy exclaimed. "How did you know the password?"

"What's the password?" asked Link.

"Yeah, I know," said the kid. "But how do you know that?"

"What?"

"I know, but how do you..."

Majora interrupted, "Okay, this has officially become the stupidest conversation I have ever heard."

He flew down in front of the boy's face, "Are you, or are you not, the Goron leader?"

"I sure am!" the kid boastfully replied.

There were a few moments of silence before the boy looked down sheepishly.

"Or maybe I'm not..." the boy admitted. "I'm Jim. You know, the kid in the Kakariko Graveyard that walks along shaking a stick?"

Both Link and Majora looked at each other, then back at Jim, replying, "No."

"Oh come on!" Jim protested. "You sold that mask to me! Except, you're not supposed to know that. But then, how do I—? This is confusing!"

Link interjected, "Hey, aren't you the leader of the Bombers?"

Jim froze, "Uh...Bombers? Eh, never heard of them!"

"No, no, I remember you. You were the kid that couldn't pop a balloon when even a bubble could have done the trick!"

"Hey, shut up!" Jim retorted. "Wait, uh, I mean, I don't know what you're talking about."

As Link and Jim began arguing, Majora was becoming impatient with this entire ordeal. After all, he had Gorons to brainwash and recruit and kingdoms to conquer.

"Link, aren't you supposed to be trying to do something here?"

Link stopped in mid-sentence, "Oh, right... Hey, Jim, you wouldn't happen to have the Goron's Nuts, would you?"

Majora muffled a snicker.

Link looked at him oddly, but turned back to Jim. Majora protested indignantly, "Oh come on, you can't tell me you don't see anything wrong with that statement!"

Jim replied, "Maaaaybe...But, I certainly won't give them to you for free! Hmm...I know! How about..."

Link pondered for a bit, then sighed reluctantly, "Alright, I'll do it."

Jim looked at him oddly, "I didn't say anything yet."

"Oh, right. Uh, carry on."

"Anyways," Jim continued, "I want you to go into the Dodongo's Cavern, kill a whole bunch of fire-breathing dinosaurs, dodge laser shooting statues, make your way through lava and spike traps, and fight the huge dinosaur king in a fight to the death, which will almost certainly be your own!"

"What!" Link exclaimed.

"Yes, the password, but I don't see what that has to do with..."

Link quickly interrupted, "Wait, wait. You want me to charge into that dungeon with nothing but my sword and shield, and try to...um..."

"Kill a whole bunch of fire-breathing dinosaurs, dodge laser shooting statues, make your way through lava and spike traps, and fight the huge dinosaur king in a fight to the death, which will almost certainly be your own?" Jim suggested.

"Yeah, that. And you expect me to do that with only my sword? Which, by the way, was made by the Kokiri, a bunch of kids who don't know _nothing_ about swords!"

Jim stared, "Are you crazy? Of course I'm gonna give you something to help you!"

Link sighed in relief, "Oh good."

Jim took something from his pockets, "Here. This is the Goron Bracelet."

Link slapped his forehead, "You must be kidding me."

"With this, even a runt like you will be able to pick up Bomb Flowers!" Jim said.

"Runt? I'm bigger than you!"

"From what I can tell," Majora remarked dryly, "neither of you are that big."

Before either Link or Jim could retort, Majora quickly continued, "But that's not the point! Link, just take the stupid bracelet. We're wasting the precious time that I could be using to enslave..."

"..."

"..."

"...erm, enslave the legions of demon...birds?"

Link raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"...to use...against Ganondorf!"

Link sighed with relief, "Oh, well why didn't you say so? I guess we'll be going, then! To the dungeon!"

Link yelled and charged out of the room, with Majora quickly following. Jim...well, he behaved like any good NPC should and just stood silently there, waiting...and waiting...

---------------------------------------

Gasping for breath, Link paused to rest himself.

"You took about ten steps," Majora said lamely.

Slowing down his breath rate, Link shot back, "Well, excuuuuuse me, but I did fall about five stories down to the bottom here!"

"Hey, I just noticed. You fell a _lot_ during this chapter. Strange, huh?" Majora remarked cheerfully as the two continued walking.

"Ah, I wouldn't worry about it now," Link said dismissively. "The chapter's about to end, and I'm at the BOTTOM. There isn't a single way I could fall anymore"

And with that, he tripped.

---------------------------------------

End chapter 5

Chrysa: Oh dear , I really came up late here, didn't I?

Eot: Yeah, I'll say...It's as long as the third chapter, but it sure ain't as funny.

Chrysa: Oh, yeah, and before all of you start trying to take my head off for not including one of the "staple" gags in Ocarina of Time, it really couldn't be worked in too well and still retain its continuity, so it'll pop up eventually somewhere.

Now, then, reviewer replies:

Greki: Well, we aim to entertain!

Numdenu: Frankly, I don't really like macaroni that much. It just looks...weird. Thanks for the review though!


	6. Do Da Dodongo!

The Legend of the Ryeforce: The Macaroni of Time

Chapter 6: Da Dusty Dungeon (AKA Do Da Dodongo, Diatch!)

Disclaimer: Not another D…uh, I mean…Don't dink dat I'm dissin' Da Legend of Zelda or Nintendo

Eot: Ugh…don't even ask how I came up with that!

Chrysa: (fearing for her wellbeing) I…won't.

WARNING: Extremely immature humor and poor-quality writing ensues. But then, what did you expect?

_Now with 100 more self-insertion!_ (dodges tomatoes) _Or maybe not…_

---------------------------------------

"So, uh…What are you doing?"

Link and Majora were both standing very confusedly, staring what appeared to be a very large and very fat blob with fins and a mustache.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with that. What was odd was that it seemed to be sitting on top of something, and every once in a while, he would exclaim, "Ooh!" and reach underneath his body. He then ate it, causing a small boom to erupt inside him later.

But that's not the weird part. The weird part is that he's been doing this for the past FOUR HOURS. What's weirder is how Link and Majora were just dumbly staring at him for the entire duration.

"Ooh, that's gooooood Bob-omb!"

"Bob-omb?" Majora wondered. He noticed the little bombs being picked from some plant underneath the glutton. "Hey, we could use those things to bomb the boulder in front of the cavern!"

"There was a boulder in front of the cavern?" Link asked.

"Oh right, you were busy falling," Majora reminisced blissfully. "Fun times. Now then, we need to get this guy off of our bomb supply."

Link rolled up his sleeves, "Leave it to me. Alright, you, listen up! I'm giving you five counts to leave this place. One…two…three…four…"

"Four…four…four…"

"Oh for the love of…FIVE!" Majora shouted, as he let loose a humongous bolt of dark energy that blasted King Zora away into the opposite side of the mountain, causing an avalanche that buried him forever.

That is, until Link thought he heard munching sounds from underneath the boulders.

"Majora?" Link hesitated, not sure of whether he wanted to know the answer. "How did you do that?"

"You get me angry enough, and I'll show you," Majora threatened. "Now, let's pick up the Bob-omb and blow that boulder up."

"Couldn't you just blast it with--?"

Majora growled.

"Okay, okay!" Link held up his hands. He picked up a Bob-omb from its flower nest, "Aww, it's so cuuute!"

The Bob-omb sweatdropped, and fell from Link's hands, walking away.

"Noo! Come back!" Link shouted. He desperately tried to keep up with the Bob-omb, but to no avail.

"You _need_ to exercise more," Majora remarked. Link stopped, gasping for air, further proving his point.

"Five…minute…breather."

Luckily, the Bob-omb was as bright as Link was, and crashed into the boulder, blowing itself up.

After Link had caught his breath, he dashed into the gaping hole in the mountain, shouting, "Come on, Majora! The faster we get done with this dungeon, the sooner we can bake that delicious bread…I mean, stop Ganondorf."

Majora floated calmly after the trail of dust Link made, wondering, "Now why couldn't he do that before?"

---------------------------------------

Luckily, the Dodongo's cavern was not _nearly_ as freaky as inside the Dodongo King. It was just a simple path blocked off by boulders with Bob-ombs walking around.

BOOM!

Wait, scratch that.

The first thing a normal player would notice upon entering would be the abnormal amount of lava and rocks and bones. The first thing Majora noticed was the various weapons of mass destruction that could so easily be used in his plans. The first thing Link noticed was a Business Scrub.

"DIE!" Link's eyes glowed red and leapt across the lava to stab the poor thing to death. "Who else wants a piece of this?"

Majora floated in awe, "Did he just break through a rock wall to kill something I didn't even know was there?"

Finally noticing he had killed the only inhabitant there, Link sheathed his sword and walked out to almost get hit by a laser.

Link jumped back, screaming. Majora flied across to him, "That's a Beamos, Link. They are indestructible by your sword, and your shield cannot block their beams. I suggest leaving them alone, since your ability with bombs is…doubtful."

As Link was about to edge his way around the Beamos, the Beamos turned and suddenly noticed another Beamos. That Beamos turned to see another Beamos. The process continued for awhile until all of the Beamos were staring at each other.

A few seconds and a flash of light later, there lay smoldering ruins of Beamos everywhere in the room. An Armos, disturbed by the commotion, jumped out with a "GREEAARGH!" before another jumped out to crash into it and push it into the lava. The other Armos lost its balance as well and also fell into the lava.

"Well," Majora commented at last, "this will be laughably easy."

"Heeelp!" Link yelled from the lava pit.

"Spoke too soon…"

---------------------------------------

The first room Link entered was yet another very plain dirt path. There was absolutely no way that Link could possibly get hurt here. Unless, of course, extremely slow moving slugs suddenly attacked him, which, unfortunately, was exactly what happened.

And so, as Link stood completely paralyzed in fear, Majora laughed his mask off as the baby dodongos exploded one by one without any reason at all, before they were even twenty feet near Link.

"This has got to be the easiest dungeon I've ever seen!" Majora laughed. "You can't possibly…Link?"

"Hey Majora! I think it likes me! Isn't it cuuute?" Link cooed at the baby dodongo slowly squirmed up to him. "Come to papa!"

As Link was left with a charred body and blinking furiously, Majora was rendered speechless.

"Okay, Link," Majora growled after he had recovered, "This dungeon is the easiest thing we've ever seen, or will see! You will _not_ ruin that for me, got it? We are going to _cruise_ through this dungeon, and nobody can _stop_ us, okay?"

Link gave a weak salute, "Yes sir."

Luckily, Link didn't have too much trouble getting through to the next room. He _almost_ got injured in trying to pull the statue, but he dodged that bullet quickly enough. In any case, he finally arrived at what looked to be the room of the dungeon's boss, with its lava pits and rock platforms and the such.

The only problem is, Link didn't see any huge white letters coming out of nowhere. In other words, it clearly wasn't a boss, but instead a…

"Miniboss!" the twins shouted as they leapt from absolutely nowhere. The two Stalchildren readied themselves at the far end of the room.

"Uh, aren't you two those guys that pop up from under the ground when nighttime falls over Hyrule Field?" Link queried.

"Link, we haven't been on the field at night before," said Majora.

Link and the two Stalchildren looked blankly at Majora.

Majora sighed, "Never mind…"

"Anyways," Stalchild #1 continued, "We are the ones that you speak of, haunting the night, stalking unwary children; we cannot be defeated!"

"No, no," Link laughed, "I've killed you guys so many times before that— "

"Fool!" Stalchild #2 exclaimed. "You only drive us to retreat, but no…we come back!"

"So wait, you mean it wasn't millions of Stalchildren I've been slaying all this time, just the same two being killed over and over again?"

"You never 'killed' us," Stalchild #1 growled, "But yes."

Link clutched his chest as if in horrible agony. He staggered around, gasping for breath. Finally, he fell over onto his back, hyperventilating.

"My life…has been for naught. I don't want to live anymore!" With a burst of strength, Link hurled himself at the lava pit.

"Oh no you don't," growled Majora. "Listen, this dungeon has gone on far too long already. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Die. Now. Got it?"

Link paused in mid-air and flew backwards back up, landing with a salute, "Yes sir!"

"Now then, as for the two of you…" But Majora was unable to finish his sentence. A thunderous rumbling shook the entire dungeon, and the four looked around frantically for the cause.

"AUTHOR'S INTERVENTION!"

A giant fist knocked the two Stalchildren into the lava. The pair screamed as they burned away into nothingness. Link stared blankly at the area where they _were_ standing.

"What was that?"

"Probably," Majora explained, "A poor, pointless, pathetic attempt with the purpose of speeding up the plot. Pah."

Just as they were about to move again, a large shattering sound echoed through the dungeon walls.

Majora cringed, "And that would be the fourth wall shattering into millions of tiny 'good writing' fragments. So much for the quality of this story. And we're not even into the seventh chapter yet."

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Meanwhile, in the Sacred Realm, the same shattering noise was heard. However, there was a very different reaction.

"Iiii sweeeaarrr iiiit waaasssnn'tt meeeee," Din assured as best she could while being repeatedly shaken by her "wiser" sister.

"Yeah, sure it wasn't!" Nayru screamed. "I guess this is the so-called 'work of the author' too?"

"YEEESSSSS. Thaaattt's iiiiitt eeexxxaaaaactlyyyyy," said Din.

Nayru stopped her assault for a moment to glare at Farore, shouting, "NEVER let Din near alcohol again. EVER."

As Nayru proceeded to torture Din, Farore wondered confusedly, "What did _I_ do?"

---------------------------------------

In the meantime, Majora and Link had gone through a good deal of the dungeon already, with absolutely no injury caused to the reader. Aren't you glad you—

SHATTER

Hmm, may want to get that eye checked. Anyways…

"_Would you stop talking to the readers already?_" growled Majora. "That's what got us into this mess!"

Yes, it was a mess indeed, for they found themselves in the _exact same location_ where they were just a few paragraphs up, except they were also just a few levels up as well. And…well, they were also facing the exact same enemies.

"You just don't learn, do you?" Stalchild #1 growled. "We. Can't. Die!"

"Wait," Link gasped. "I got it!"

He then began laughing like a madman. Majora simply stared at him as if he had finally lost it (if, indeed, he had ever _had_ it). However, he was amazed to see the Stalchildren fading away.

When the two were finally gone, Majora asked in bewilderment, "What did you _do_?"

"You see," Link explained, suppressing his last few giggles, "Laughter is the best medicine. And medicine cures things. And it is a common law of the undead that curing them kills them, QED."

"Wait," Majora protested, "What kind of logic is—?"

"And now to face the boss!" Link cried, speeding off. Majora grudgingly followed silently.

Link, surprisingly, only got burned _five_ times in the next room, a fact of which Majora remarked was "the best record for him." After passing through the fires, they found themselves in the room of pain once more.

Link gulped as he looked down, "I _hate_ this room."

"But wait," Majora interjected, "We never actually-"

"_I hate this room_," Link emphasized with a dangerous look in his eye.

"I'm going to need therapy after this," Majora grumbled.

"Hey look!" Link exclaimed happily, hopping platform after platform to reach an unexpected treasure. "A bomb bag!"

Majora twitched, "_Serious_ therapy. Okay, Link, now let's use this bag to…"

"Open up a shortcut?" Link grinned maniacally. "I couldn't agree more! Bombs away!"

"LINK, WHAT THE"

BOOM, CRASH, THUD

And with those three kind onomatopoetic words, Link and Majora found themselves in the boss room. Upon recovering, the two had markedly different reactions.

"One more time!" Link cheered.

"SERIOUS THERAPY!" Majora stressed.

But before Majora could kill Link, big white words appeared out of nowhere. Per law of video game drama, neither Link or Majora were allowed to speak.

INFERNAL POP STAR WANNABE: KING DODONGO

"Oh yyyeahhhh, the clone thing," remembered Link.

"Infernal pop star wannabe?" Majora queried.

"Hello, cavern! Are you ready to rock?" Dodongo screamed as he landed with a deafening thud.

Link and Majora stared. The pop star wannabe had a giant mop for hair (including the stick). He was wearing some sort of infernally small outfit, and also likely for the wrong gender.

Link giggled, "I wish King Dodongo could see this."

---------------------------------------

In the Kokiri Forest, King Dodongo gave an involuntary shudder. Then he realized something.

"Wait, shouldn't I be dea-?"

---------------------------------------

As Link continued to laugh his head off, Majora was more worried about the strategy of this battle. This thing was huge! And he looked ready to attack at any moment. In fact, it was slowly drawing breath for its first attack already.

"Uh, Link? Yeah…you might want to-"

"'CAUSE I'M YOUR LAAAAAADYYYYYYY!" Dodongo belted. The resulting sound wave caused Link to smash into the opposite wall.

"Ow..." Link moaned, cleaning out his ears. Dodongo prepared for another line, but Link, eyes blazing (and ears hurting), stopped him.

"Shut up!" Link cried as he threw a bomb into Dodongo's mouth. Dodongo swallowed it, and then realized his mistake.

BOOM

As Dodongo tried to regain his sense of direction, Link danced a little victory dance. Little did he know, Dodongo had a little dance of his own to try out.

Quickly back on his feet, Dodongo prepared his next attack. "Oh, oh, oh, oh," Dodongo sang as he shuffled his feet.

"Stayin' alive, stayin' alive! Oh, oh, oh, oh!"

Dodongo started doing the moonwalk across circumference of the room. Link, blissfully unaware of this hideous performance, was caught off guard by a seventeen-ton, moonwalking dinosaur crashing into him. Said dinosaur tripped and crashed into the wall. But before Link could get up to attack, Dodongo started another round.

"AND YOU ARE MY MAAAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAAAAANNNN!"

"Make the pain stop!" Link whimpered.

Majora muttered some incoherent curses under his breath, and he yelled, "The easiest dungeon that we'll ever face, and you _still_ botch it!"

He made a beeline straight into Dodongo's mouth with a rage. As Dodongo swallowed, several explosions ensued, one right after another, and Dodongo was swelling up. Sensing the end, Dodongo decided to say some last words.

"Me mind on fire! Me soul on fire! Feeling hot, hot, hot!"

With that, he exploded.

Link covered his eyes as the blinding flash blinded him…blindly. When the smoke cleared, there was Majora floating there quite casually.

"I think it's due time we got out of here, no?"

"Yeah, sure," Link grunted. "Let me just…"

Link took a bite out of the glowing heart container. Munching thoughtfully, he jumped into the pillar of light. Majora followed silently in order to be mysterious, but frankly, he was just too tired to say anything.

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"So," Jim said casually as the two heroes appeared out of thin air, "I see you found the Goron's Nuts."

"Erm…actually," Link hesitated, "Weren't _you_ supposed to give them to us after we were done?"

"…But…I don't have it."

Majora and Link were silent.

"THEN WHY DID YOU SEND US ON THAT RIDICULOUS MISSION?" boomed Majora.

"Well, I _did_ have it," protested Jim, "Until…"

---------------------------------------

"Ohhh, I _knew_ I shouldn't have eaten those red nuts," King Zora groaned.

---------------------------------------

"So yeah….funny thing about that," Jim chuckled sheepishly.

"Oh that's great," groaned Link. "So, then what are we supposed to do? Without the Goron's Nuts, we can't bake the sacred Ryeforce!"

"Weellllllll," Jim thought for a minute, "How about I just give you these walnuts I found on the ground instead?"

Link shrugged, "A nut's a nut."

"Wait," Majora interjected, "How did you find walnuts on the ground of a mounta-"

"And that's that!" said Jim cheerfully. "Now then, I noticed something odd while you were away. You, Link, _you_ were one of the Bombers!"

"Well, yes, but," Link paused, "Didn't you say you knew nothing about the Bombers?"

Jim stood silently.

Majora sighed, "Never mind the entire thing, okay? Let's just go find the third ingredient already."

As Link and Majora descended the mountain, Jim shouted, "Wait! There's something I forgot to tell you!

"Up at the summit of Death Mountain lives a Great Fairy. Rumor has it that she gives you the ability to hold down the B button and charge a **spin-attack**. She'll also give you a **Magic Meter**, which will allow you to cast magic. But in order to get these powers, you must dodge **falling boulders** and **spiders**. And finally, it's really **hot** in the crater. Be sure to bring a **fan**."

Majora turned to Link, "Did…did that mean anything to you?"

Link shrugged, "He lost me at power. Well, if it has anything to do with shiny powers, I want some of it. Come on, Majora! We're going to see the Great Fairy!"

Majora envisioned all of the pure holiness radiating off the body of the Great Fairy. "Sickening," he muttered, "Well, it can't all be easy recruiting and ice cream cake. Maybe I can turn her to the dark side…"

And so, the two continued up the steep slopes of Death Mountain, never knowing what would await them next. Well, actually, we probably all know what awaits Link next.

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Link, are you actually falling UP?"

Ah, good times.

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End chapter 6 (See you next fall)

Chrysa: Humor didn't come for a while. And when it did…well, it wasn't going too well. You can see, obviously. Hopefully, the next chap will be better. And if not, my new story will be.


End file.
